


Drowning

by fallingleaves



Series: Breathe [2]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: (past) - Freeform, Blood, Graphic Injury, Injury, M/M, Medical Phobia, Medical Procedures, Medical Torture, Medical Trauma, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-09 06:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4337054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingleaves/pseuds/fallingleaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry gets hurt, badly.  The following recovery is not going to be fun, and Barry needs all of his friends and family's support to get through it.</p><p>Also, as a note, I am officially calling this Earth 14.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Isn't Good

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the second part after Learning to Breathe but can definitely work as a stand alone as well. In the context of the series, this takes place after Barry and Len become an established couple, but only very recently afterwards (ie all other parts will take place after this one - they're going in chronological order).  
> WARNING: major graphic blood and gore and injury stuff. Also, language.

            Barry was unconscious.  And Len had never been so grateful in his life.

            “Oh my God.”

            “I need a ventilator!”

            “Did someone call Joe?”

            “Towels – I got the towels.”

            “Cisco, the ventilator!”

            “Right!”

            “Oh my God, Barry.”

            “He’ll be alright, he’ll be alright.”

            “Here, put pressure on his side.”

            “OK.”

            “What can I do?”

            “Stabilize his head.”

            “Like this?”

            “I can see the bone.”

            “Yes.”

            “Eddie, I can see –”

            “It’s OK – he’ll be OK.”

            “Len?”

            Len stared numbly at Barry, his eyes closed, limp.  Len was holding his hand, his right hand because his left hand was a bloody clump of flesh.  Barry was unconscious before they even got there, before they managed to dig him out of the wreckage.  Len hoped he had passed out instantly.

            The building had come down as Barry was getting out, running out with a woman in his arms, the place burning and filled with smoke. They had found the woman next to him.  The ambulance took her while they grabbed Barry.

            “Len?  Len?”

            He looked up.  It was Caitlin.  There was already blood streaked on her shirt and hands and it made Len sick, almost dizzy.

            “Len, I need you to put in stitches on his leg while I look at his side, can you do that?”

            Yes, yes, he could do that.  He didn’t answer, just moved.  Cisco pressed the supplies into his hands and Len moved to Barry’s leg, let go of his hand with a last hesitation.  His head was spinning.

            He was going to throw up, was sure he was going to throw up, but his stomach didn’t heave, just kept tossing instead.  He looked at the mangled flesh in front of him and almost turned back, almost turned back to Caitlin and said, no, no, I can’t do this.  But he swallowed it down and grit his teeth because this was Barry and Caitlin had asked him to put stitches in and if she had asked him then it was serious.  She needed him to put stitches in and if it would help Barry then he would.  He would suck it up and get a grip on himself and ignore the hysteria and the pounding of his heart and the creeping, somehow hiding yet overwhelming fear that speed healing just wouldn’t be enough this time.

            Len concentrated on his leg, blocked everything else out.  There was a flap of skin _(of skin, of skin)_ and it was peeled, actually peeled back, like someone had tried to skin him alive.  Len could see bloody muscle and tendons there and he fought back the bile in his throat and moved his hands over Barry’s skin and pushed it back into place.

            He got the needle ready and then started putting stitches in.  They were messier than his usual, not as precise, and much larger, but it was a large gash.  He thought about what he would say to Barry if he was awake, what to say to distract him from the pain and his own fear, what he would say to get Barry to smile instead of cringe.  He washed the wound with hydrogen peroxide when he was finished and then someone was pressing bandages into his hand, which he used to wrap Barry’s leg.  There were multiple other little cuts and scrapes around that large one, and he checked, but it didn’t look like any needed stitches.  Instead he stuck bandages on and around them, taping pads of sterile cloth into place.  Only then did he move and look up.

            They had Barry on the ventilator, and the tube was disturbing, shocking to look at with Barry’s prone form.  But what was worse was his side and his shoulder, still exposed.  His entire left arm was a mangled mess, but Caitlin didn’t seem too concerned with it at the moment.  She was at his left side instead, where there was a large puncture wound, where a metal beam of some sort had gone in and tore a hole open near his stomach.

            It was a bloody mess.  Len was swaying.  He could see Barry’s organs, could see the pink red wet mesh of his insides.  Eddie had Iris in the corner of the room, his eyes blank as he held her.  She was crying.  Cisco was frantically running around grabbing whatever Caitlin asked to and decidedly not looking at the wounds.  His face was three shades too pale.

            Len had to sit down.  He all but collapsed into the chair, his vision dancing with dark spots.  Joe arrived then, running, stopping frozen when he saw Barry.  For a moment Len thought he would pass out, but then Joe continued, walking up to where Barry lay, Caitlin working.  He said something, words Len didn’t catch, but Caitlin ignored him.  Cisco put a hand on Joe’s shoulder and led him over to where Iris and Eddie where.  Iris looked up and then the two were hugging.

            “Len!”

            And he was up, walking back over as Caitlin called.  She had tied back her hair, and there was blood in it, probably from her own hands.  Her eyes were bright, focused, but he could see the worry there.

            “His arm – I need you to put pressure on his arm, this is – this is going to take me too long, you can’t stitch it up yet I have to see, I think there’s internal damage.”

            He just nodded, grabbed a towel and found where the blood was oozing out.  He put pressure on the wound.

            “Does he need a blood transfusion?” Joe asked.

            “No,” Caitlin said, “I have no idea how his body will react to non-meta blood, and he forms new blood cells so fast that shouldn’t be a problem.  He won’t bleed out.”

            Then what was he doing, Len wondered.  Maybe it was so he didn’t lose even more blood, or maybe Caitlin was just giving him something to do.  Either way he kept pressure with the towel over Barry’s arm while Caitlin worked.

            It was a long time before she finished with his side.  He saw her with stitches for a while, and then she wrapped it up.  Blood soaked through to make a dark pink stain, and then she was pushing his hands out of the way.

            “This isn’t good,” she muttered.

            Len could have said as much, but just then there was a coughing noise, and Barry jerked.  Len was at his head in an instant.

            “Hey,” Len said as Barry’s eyes opened, unfocused.  His face contracted with pain almost instantly, going tight as a moan let loose from his throat.  He let out another almost instantly, the noises not stopping, rough with pain, sharp, strained cries muffled by the ventilator in his throat. 

            “I know, I know,” Len said, stroking his hair as suddenly Joe was right beside him.  “It’s OK, Scarlet, you’re going to be OK.”

            Barry’s eyes darted around, glazed over, and he started to shift, to squirm and fidget.

            “Hold him still,” Caitlin said, still working.  Eddie and Iris were next to them too and Joe held Barry’s shoulder while Eddie moved around to put one hand on the opposite shoulder and another on his hip.  Iris was crying, holding onto Joe and Len was still stroking Barry’s hair, holding his head still now too.

            Tears leaked out of Barry’s eyes, going fast down his face.  He tried to move his head to the side and whimpered when he couldn’t.  He started to shake.

            “Shh, it’s OK, Bar,” Joe said, “it’s OK.”

            Barry was scared, that much was obvious, but the normal terror that the situation would have warranted wasn’t there, was overrun by pain.  He choked on the ventilator, trying to move, to squirm while everyone held him still.  The moans and cries quickly turned to sobs, the pain a sharp edge to the noise.

            “I know, babe, I know it hurts, it’s OK,” Len said, his face inches from Barry’s, leaning down.  “I’m so sorry, Scarlet, I know it hurts, Cait’s working on it.  You’re going to be OK – it’ll be better soon, Scarlet, I promise.”  Len choked out the last word, his voice breaking, and he felt tears in the corners of his eyes and had to stop, had to breathe for a moment because this was not the time.  He could not break down crying, would not break down crying.  But Barry let out another gut-wrenching noise and Len found himself faltering.

            The pain on his face was too much, too much for anyone to be expected to bear.  The desperation in the noises he was making was awful, was horrifying.  Len wanted so badly to make it better, to give him some sort of relief, but there was nothing he could do but keep petting his hair and whispering soft reassurances that he honestly didn’t think Barry even heard much less registered in his state.  His eyes weren’t focusing, were slipping from Len to Joe to Iris in a confused, pain filled haze.  He kept struggling, fighting to get free, moving and squirming from it all.  Every time Caitlin did something he screamed, the noise a wet coughing sound around the ventilator and it was breaking Len.

            “Can we please take that thing out of his throat,” he said suddenly, turning on Caitlin, desperate.  He had seen Barry go through a lot of pain with the jobs he did, the metahumans and the criminals, but this – this was too much.

            “Five minutes,” Caitlin said, not even looking up and Len would have to live with that, would have to.

            And five minutes later, maybe a little less, Caitlin was taking it out and the first thing Barry did was scream.

            The cry tapered off into moans, and then mumbled, slurred words.  Caitlin kept working, and Joe talked and Len soothed and Iris interjected as well, but it was another twenty minutes or so before Barry started to speak in any real words.

            “Please,” he said, a broken sound.  That was all at first, just please, please, please, over and over again, and then he suddenly went limp.

            For a second, Len tensed, but Caitlin didn’t miss a beat and none of the monitors screamed, and he relaxed.  He had passed out.

            It only lasted another fifteen minutes.  Then his eyes were struggling open and he was looking around frantically.

            “J-joe?” he said, and then let out a sharp cry of pain.  “H-hurts,” he said.

            “I’m right here, Bar,” Joe said, just as Barry’s eyes found Len’s.

            “Len,” he said, and then another moan.  “L-len, Len, ple-ease, it hu-urts, it _hurts._ ”

            “I know, baby, I know it hurts, it’s going to be alright, it’s going to get better real soon.”

            “P-please, stop – _stop, stop!_ ”

            “We can’t stop, Scarlet, I know – I know it’s bad, it’s going to get better.”

            “No – no, Len – Len it hurts s-so much, i-it, please, you – please m-make it stop, it _hurts_.”  He let out a broken cry, struggling again to move.

            “Shh, baby, it’s OK, shh, it’s going to be OK, Scarlet.  Relax.  You’ve gotta relax, Scarlet.  It won’t hurt as much, just relax.”

            “I-it – I – God, I can’t, it – fuck, Len, please.”  He started crying hard again.  “ _Please_ , please _sto-op_ , you ha-ave to make it sto-op!”

            Len kissed his forehead, then his check, his nose, his temple.  “I can’t, Barry, I can’t, I’m sorry.  It’s – it’s a one, baby – it’s a one, I’m sorry.  Shh, relax – just relax, breathe.”

            “It hurts,” he cried, eyes squeezed shut, shaking from the wracking sobs.  “it hurts, it hurts, ple-ease.”  He kept going, almost unintelligible, not responding to anything that Len or Joe or Iris said, no matter how hard they tried to console him.  He kept yelling and groaning and screaming, pleading for them to stop, to make it stop, anything – crying that it hurt, over and over and over again, until he had utterly exhausted himself and he was left only whimpering.

            “Alright,” Caitlin said finally, hours later.  “I need to wait for the bones to heal before I can do anything else.”  She looked absolutely exhausted, covered in blood and Len didn’t want to know what else.  “I…” she said, faltering as she looked down at Barry.  “I’m going to go take a shower,” she said finally, “and try and get a couple hours of sleep.  But he should be fine.”  She let out a small smile, a relieved expression on her face.  She looked down and touched his good shoulder briefly.  “It’s – it’s not done, but he should be OK.  I’ve still…”  She looked up at the rest of them, tight lipped.  “I still have a lot of work to do, and it’s… it’s going to be bad.”  She took in a long breath as the rest of them took that in.

            “I’ll stay with him,” Len said, holding Barry’s hand loosely.  He was still whimpering, but seemed to have fallen into some kind of doze, his eyes closed.

            “No,” Iris said, and they all turned to look at her, surprised.  She gave Len a small smile.  “He’ll want you with him, for whatever Caitlin needs to do, and you should rest.  Both of you.”  She looked at Joe pointedly.

            “We’ll stay,” Eddie said, “You two get some sleep.”

            Eventually they relented, and Len washed his hands numbly in one of the bathrooms, before finding a couch in one of the side rooms.  He didn’t think that he’d be able to sleep, but once he actually lay down realized just how exhausted he was.  He fell asleep in minutes.

 

 

 

            When he woke up, a couple hours later, and wandered back to the med bay he found Barry awake and Iris talking softly to him.

            Barry whimpered, letting out small noises of pain.  Iris gripped his hand tightly, and Barry’s fingers were drawn white. 

            “Scarlet,” Len said, approaching, and Barry opened his eyes.

            “Len?”

            “Yeah, Scarlet, I’m right here,” Len said, sitting on the edge of Barry’s bed, cupping the side of his face with one hand.

            “Len, I don’t want to do this,” Barry said, his bottom lip wavering, pain built up in his expression.  “Please, Len, it – it hurts.”

            “I know, baby,” Len said, and he leaned down and kissed his forehead.  “I know it hurts.  You’re doing so good for us, Scarlet.”

            “It’s – it’s bad, right,” Barry said, and he bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut.  A tear leaked out on one side and Len took in a sharp breath.

            “You’re going to be OK,” Len said, wiping away the tear with his thumb, “Caitlin said you’d be OK, baby – there’s nothing she can’t fix.”

            “But – but you have to fix it,” Barry said, and then he let out a sob.

            “Shh,” Iris said, squeezing down on his hand.  “We’ll be right there with you, Bar.”

            “It’s gonna hurt,” Barry said, letting out another wet sob, “it’s gonna hurt so bad – you’re gonna cut into me and – and –”

            “Shh, baby, you’re working yourself up,” Len said, kissing his forehead again.  “It’s gonna be OK.  It’s gonna be alright.”

            “It hurts,” Barry said, still crying, “fuck, it really hurts, Len, everything hurts – my – my sh-shoulder – I – fuck, Len, it’s so bad, it’s so fucking bad – it – Len – Lenny –”

            “Shh,” Len said, and then he was hugging him, as much as he could without jostling his arm, “shh, I know, I know baby, it’s awful, it’s – I’m so sorry, Scarlet, I’m so sorry. It’s gonna be OK, I promise.  I’ll stay right with you.  What do you need, Scarlet?  What do you need?”

            “Stay,” Barry said, “please, Len, I can’t – I can’t do this, don’t – please.”

            “Shh, I know, baby.  I’m not going anywhere.”

            “Don’t leave.”

            “Not leaving, baby.”

            “Really fucking hurts.”

            “You’re doing such a good job, I’m so proud of you.”

            “Can’t even move.”

            “You’ll feel better tomorrow.  You’ve just started healing.”

            “Hurts.”

            “I know, Scarlet.”

            “Lenny.”

            “Right here, Barry.”

            “I want – can you – I want you to hold me.”

            “I’m not sure I can get around, Scarlet.  I don’t want to hurt your arm.”

            “Please.”

            “OK, just – just give me a second.”

            Len rearranged himself carefully, moving onto the medical bed beside Barry, pushing him over gently and getting onto it.  He gently eased his leg under Barry’s, and then his hip and torso, until they were almost spooning but not quite, Len’s arms around Barry.

            “Don’t leave.”

            “Not leaving, Scarlet.”

            “My arm hurts so much, Len.”  He let out a whimper and Len hugged him closer.

            “I’m sorry, Scarlet.  It’ll feel better soon.”

            “Are they – I – I’m scared.”

            “It’s OK.”

            “It’s a one?”

            “Yeah, Scarlet.”

            “I – I don’t –”

            “I know it’s scary. Just relax right now, OK?”

            “OK.”

            “I’ve got you.”

            “Is it – is it gonna hurt a lot?”

            “I don’t know, Scarlet.”

            “You… you do, you just… aw, fuck, Len, fuck, I don’t – I really – no, Lenny, no, please.”

            “I don’t know what Caitlin needs to do, Barry.  I don’t know if it’ll hurt a lot or not.”

            “But it’s… it is going to hurt?”

            “I think so, baby.  I’m sorry.”

            Barry shivered.  “You’ll…”

            “I’ll stay right here.”

            “Stitches?”

            “I don’t know, Scarlet.”

            “Is it… are the bones…”

            “Those are all in place.”

            “Oh… OK.  OK.”

            “It’ll be alright.  I’ll be right here, Scarlet.  I’m not going anywhere.”

            “But she’s…” he trailed off, and then started to tremble.  “Fuck, Len, I’m scared, I – I’m scared.”

            “It’s OK,” Len said, and he kissed the side of his head, “it’s OK.  It’s alright to be scared.  You’re going to be fine, though.”       

            “It’ll hurt.”

            “I’ll hold you through it.”

            “If – if I… If I have a flashback… please, if I have a flashback please stop.”

            “I can’t promise anything, Bar – Caitlin has to work on it.  But if you do we’ll try – we’ll try to stop.”

            “I… Len, I can’t…”

            “I know, Barry.  But it’s a one.  Caitlin has to work.  I’ll hold you, and you just look at me and breathe, that’s it.  Look at me and breathe through it.”

            “I – I don’t want to do this Lenny,” Barry said, and there were tears in his eyes, his breath hitching, “it – it hurts, Len.  It hurts.”

            “I know, baby, it’s going to be OK.  It’ll be over before you know it.”

            “That’s a lie and a cliché.”

            Len let out an exasperated breath, but he stroked Barry’s hair gently again.  “No it’s not.  It’ll be over soon.”

            “I can’t do this Lenny.”

            “Shh,” Len said, and he leaned down and kissed Barry’s forehead.  He skipped the scolding for saying he couldn’t do it.  “Yes you can,” he said, “you’re so strong, Barry.  I know you can.  It’s going to be fine, baby.  You’re going to be just fine.”

            “Really fucking hurts.”

            “You might have mentioned that.”

            “Asshole.”

            Len kissed him again.

            “Don’t go.”

            “Baby, I’m not going anywhere.”

            “Promise?”

            “Promise.”

            “My shoulder hurts so much.”

            “I know, baby, you got it good this time.”

            “Is it… what’s wrong with it?”

            “I dunno, Scarlet – have to ask Cait.”

            “It’s not dislocated is it?”

            “I don’t think so.”

            “And you said the bones were all in place?”

            “Yep.”

            “So is there… she… she has to do surgery?”  His voice was so small.

            “I dunno, baby.  I know she has to work on it.”

            “You… you think I’ll pass out?”

            “Probably,” Len said, “no offense, Scarlet, but you’re not looking too hot right now.  Wouldn’t be surprised if she does one thing and you’re out like a light for the rest of it.”

            Len felt Barry relax against him a little bit.  “OK,” he said, “yeah, that – I hope so.”

            “You feeling dizzy?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Well, normally that’s not a good thing, but it probably means you won’t stay awake long.”

            “Can I have some water?”

            “Yeah, Scarlet, of course.”

            He leaned up to grab a water bottle that was waiting on a side table, and then helped Barry bring it to his mouth.

            “My hand hurts like hell too.”

            “You burned that one.”

            “Is it gonna be OK?”

            “Yeah, Scarlet, Cait said there wasn’t any damage she couldn’t fix.  You’re gonna be fine.”

            “When – when is she coming back?”

            “I don’t know, Scarlet,” Len said, but he looked up at the clock.  Soon.  He didn’t say that.

            “I… I don’t want to, Len.”

            “I know, baby.”

            “I really don’t.”

            “It’ll be OK.”

            “I’m – I’m scared.”

            “It’s OK.”

            Barry kept going in circles, saying he didn’t want to do it, that he was scared, that it would hurt, and Len just kept repeating the same phrases, trying to comfort and reassure him the best he could. 

            And then Caitlin walked in.


	2. Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin does surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this get's very bad - could be triggering for some people. Not really graphic on blood and gore, but it's essentially like torture except without a torturer... basically Barry's in a lot of pain and acts accordingly.

Barry all but curled into a ball, and then the only thing stopping him was his injuries.  After a moment he looked up and stuck Len with the most desperate, pleading expression he could conjure. 

            Len had to fight the cringe that wanted to break out across his face.  “It’s going to be OK, Scarlet,” he said, smoothing down his hair again.

            Caitlin let out a long breath.  “I’m going to have to do some work on your shoulder, Barry,” she said, her tone impossibly gentle.

            Barry cringed, turning the pleading look to her instead.

            “I’ll get it done as fast as I can,” she said.  “I’ll give you some breaks, OK?  I can’t stop for long periods of time, but I can give you a couple minutes, OK?”

            “How bad is it?” he asked.

            Caitlin grimaced, and she opened her mouth to talk, but the look was all Barry needed.

            “Len, please,” he said, turning back to him.

            “Shh,” Len said, and he slowly pressed a hand on Barry’s shoulder, urging him back to lying down.  He started to shift out from under him, so that he could get out of the way.

            “No,” Barry said, grabbing onto him when he tried to move.

            “I’m just going to go right here,” Len said.

            “No – I – I want you to hold me.”

            “Barry, if we stayed like that, you’d have to look at the wound while Cait worked.  I’m just going right here – look, I’ll stay on the bed even.”

            Barry whined and protested but Len moved so he was lying down, and Caitlin stuck rolls of towels and pillows under his side and shoulder, so that he was propped up slightly, facing Len and away from his injured arm and shoulder.

            Barry was breathing fast, and Len had his hand gripped tightly.

            “C-can’t we go to my room?” he asked, and his voice cracked.

            “No, I’m sorry, Barry – I need some of the stuff out here.”

            “Please,” he said, “please, I wanna go to my room – just bring the stuff too.”

            “I can’t this time, Barry,” Caitlin said.  Len’s stomach dropped.  If she couldn’t move him to the other room then it meant they needed some of the heavy duty equipment, or they thought there was a risk that he could go into an unstable state, and they needed the emergency equipment around.  Neither option sounded good.

            Len saw Caitlin take out a scalpel, and he sucked in a breath, focusing his attention back on Barry.  “Look at me, Barry,” Len said,

            “L-len,” Barry said, looking more scared than he had since this whole ordeal started.

            He tensed suddenly and his eyes screwed shut, and then he was arching off the bed, Cisco pressing down on his side.  He screamed and Len gripped his hand and with his other hand held Barry’s head still.

            “Agh, fuck, fuck, stop!  Len – Len it hurts!” Barry cried and Len made shushing noises and tried to get him to calm down.  But then Barry went rigid again and let out a scream just as he thrashed.  “Stop!  Stop, it hurts, that hurts, please, it fucking hurts.”  Barry let out a sob.  “Lenny, Len, please.  Please, Lenny, stop, make it stop.” Tears ran down his face and Len thumbed them away, but couldn’t keep up.  Caitlin shook her head.

            “Get the foam,” she said softly, and Cisco was gone.  She waited while he went to grab it, and it gave Barry a breather, though Len wasn’t sure at this point if it would have been better to just keep going and try and get it done faster.

            “Shh, baby, breathe,” Len said as Barry sobbed against him.  He had buried his face in the crook of his neck.  “Barry, Scarlet, I need you to listen to me,” he said in a slightly sterner voice, “you need to breathe, baby.  In and out.  Breathe, Scarlet.”

            Barry settled a little, but only long enough to catch his breath, and then the fear took over and he started babbling, looking back up at Len, grabbing hard at his hand.

            “They’re cutting into me,” he said, desperation written on his face.  “I can feel it, I remember, Len – they’re – they’re –”

            “Shh, baby, it’s just Cait.  It’s just Cait working.”

            “But it hurts,” he said with a sob, “please, Len, it hurts.  I wanna stop.  It’s just like it – I can feel it, it hurts the same and they – please, please it would – it’s gonna be just like it – it’s gonna be just like when they dislo-dislocated my shou-lder.  They had to do surgery.  Please, I can’t – I can’t do that again.  Please, Len, please, tell her stop – tell her I don’t want to – I’ll take the damage – I – let it heal wrong, please – please just leave it – leave it alone.”

            “Hey, it’s gonna be over before you know it,” Len said, petting his hair again, trying to soothe him, “it’s not like that at all, Scarlet.  Your shoulder’s not dislocated, and this is Cait.  Just Cait – Caitlin Snow, your friend.  It’s gonna be just fine, Scarlet – gonna be all OK.”

            “No, Lenny, please,” he said, as Cisco came back with the restraints.  They had taken to calling them the “foam” because they were cushioned with foam on both sides, an attempt to make them look the least possible like restraints – and they called them foam to try and help Barry.  Cisco started to fit them on, long straps covered in the moldable foam that were designed to be the least like the restraints Barry had been subjected to before as possible.  It mimicked someone holding him down instead of actual ropes or straps, but even then they only used them when they absolutely had to.

            “No,” Barry said, as soon as he realized what they were doing, “no, please, I’ll be good, I won’t move, please!”

            “Shh,” Len said, and a jolt went through him at the words – it still did, every time Barry reverted back, every time he said something that made Len feel more like a captor then a loved one.  He ran his fingers through Barry’s hair and tried to quiet him.  “No, no, baby, you’re being real good for us already, this is just to help.”

            “I don’t want to be held down,” Barry said, “please, Len, I d-don’t – I don’t – please.  I won’t move, I won’t – I’ll hold still, just – no foam, please, no – please, Lenny, _please_.”

            Cisco secured the strap down and Barry let out a sob.  “That hurts,” he said, “it’s hurting my shoulder, please.”

            “Shh, Scarlet, just relax.  Come on, if you don’t tense up it won’t hurt as much.  Come on, Barry, you know that.  Relax your muscles and the pain’ll go down.”

            Barry took in shuddering, hiccupping breaths, but appeared to be at least trying to relax himself.

            “I’ve got you. It’s OK.  I’ve got you,” Len mumbled, just as Caitlin started again.  Barry let out a sharp cry and pulled away, but was held in place now. He trembled.

            “I wanna stop, I wanna stop, please, _please_.”

            “Shh, Scarlet, breathe.”

            “Make it stop, please – Cait, stop, it hurts – you’re hur- _agh!_   Ahh-h – no, no, please, stop, you ha- _gah_ – _aghh!_ ”  Barry dropped off into screams, the sounds wrenching from his throat, his whole body twisting and straining away.  He was covered in sweat now, and his face was flushed like with fever.  Caitlin kept going and Barry screamed and moaned and Len had stopped talking because he didn’t know what to say, didn’t have anything to say to make it better.  He just held his hand and kept trailing his fingers in his hair.

            It went on for a while.  Caitlin worked and Len tried not to look at what she was doing and Barry alternated between howling pain and quieter moans and pleas.  She moved from his shoulder to near his elbow, but only after she put in fresh stitches.  The arm must have been less painful because Barry dropped off into semi-consciousness, groaning and mumbling, the words slurred, but not screaming.

            “Is it over?”  Len looked down to see Barry’s eyes open, looking up at him.  His voice was quiet and raspy.  His throat was going to be sore from the yelling.  Len looked up to see Caitlin moving.  She held up five fingers, and then pointed to his hand, which she hadn’t gotten to yet.

            “Not quite baby,” Len said, kissing his forehead.  Barry started to cry.  “Shh, shh,” Len said, kissing him again.

            “Hurts, Len – hurts so much, I w-want it to be over,” he choked out.  “Please, God, it hurts.  Please, no more.”

            “I’m sorry, baby,” Len said, giving his hand a squeeze.  “It’s almost done.”

            “Please let me go, let me go,” Barry said, letting out a sob, “it has to be done, it has – it just has to, please, I can’t – I can’t, Len.  It fucking hurts – _no more_.  I can’t take it, I can’t take more – it’s too much, please.”

            “Shh, baby, it’s gonna be done real soon.”

            “ _No_ , no, Len, you don’t – _it hurts_ , please, _please_ Len you don’t _u-understand_ , I _can’t_ , _it hu-urts_.”

            “It’s OK.  It’s OK, baby, it’s gonna be OK.  They’re almost done.  Shh.”

            Barry sobbed, crying, begging them not to, not to put him in any more pain.  He screamed when Caitlin took his hand in hers and tried to clench his fingers to a fist, but that was met with more pain.  She gently cut off the dead skin from the burns there, and placed a cooling gel over his skin when she was finished, before wrapping it all up into something that looked like an oven mitt, and then stabilizing his wrist as well.  The whole thing couldn’t actually have been that bad, at least not comparably, but Barry cried the whole time, scared and upset at the idea of more pain.

            “Lenny,” Barry said when it was over.  He was trembling and shaking.  “I wanna go home.  I wanna go home, Len.  Please, stay.  Please.”

            “Shh, we can’t go home just yet, Scarlet, but we’re gonna move you into your room, OK?”

            “OK,” Barry mumbled, nosing his face against Len’s arm.  “Want water.”

            Len brought a water bottle to his lips, and he took a few sips while Caitlin got the bed and IV she had hooked up ready.  Then they started to wheel him out of the med bay and down the hall to where his room was set up.

            They got him into the stationary bed in that room with little fuss.  Barry didn’t like being moved, but was eager to get out of the hospital bed.  Len lay down next to him when it was done, stroking his hair.  It was quiet, the lights turned off and soft music playing.  The others had left them alone because Barry needed to sleep, and he did that best with only Len.

            “You did so good, Scarlet,” Len said, his voice a low mumble.  “I’m so proud of you.  You did so well.  You’re being really brave.”

            Barry shuddered.  “No I’m not,” he said.

            “Yes you are,” Len said, kissing the side of his head.  “That was brutal, Scarlet, and you did such a good job getting through it.  The worst is over now.  You’re gonna be just fine.”

            “It still really hurts.”

            “I know, Scarlet.  I need you to try and sleep for me, OK?  When you wake up you’ll feel a lot better.”

            “Don’t go.”

            “I’m not going.”

            “Don’t go when I fall asleep.”

            “I’ll stay.”

            “I want you to stay.”

            “I’m gonna stay, Scarlet.”  He ignored the fact that he was going to have to get up and take a shower and get some real sleep at some point.  He’d make sure he’d be there when Barry woke up.

            “I don’t wanna sleep.”

            “Why not?”

            “I… I’m scared.”

            “You don’t have to be scared now – the worst part is all over.”

            “But… but there’s more?”

            “Nothing bad, I don’t think.  You can do it.  You’ll be fine, Scarlet.”

            “Don’t wanna do that again, Len – that – fuck, it hurt, Len, I – I can’t –”  He was choking off.

            “Shh, Scarlet.  You don’t have to.  You don’t have to baby, I promise – nothing like that.”

            “Promise?”

            “Promise.”

            “Hurt so much.”

            “I know, baby, I’m sorry.”

            “I don’t want that next time.”

            “I know, Sca-”

            “No – I – leave me.  Just – just let it heal wrong.  I mean it, I – that – I don’t – I can’t do that again, I – that was awful, Len, it – I’d rather just – just let it heal wrong.”

            “Baby,” Len said, and he kissed him.

            “No, I – I mean it, that… it’s not worth it.”

            “We’ll talk about it when you’re better, Scarlet.”

            “Le-”

            “When you’re better.”

            “I really wanna go home, Lenny.”

            “I know, Scarlet, soon.”

            “Please, Lenny.  Pleeaassee.”

            “Not yet, Barry.”

            “But –”

            “Go to sleep, Scarlet,” Len said, sighing.  He ran his head over Barry’s forehead and then moved it down, swiping it over his eyes for a moment.  “Sleep.”

            “I don’t want to sleep.”

            “You are exhausted,” Len said, “close your eyes.”

            Barry looked away, and fidgeted his position again.  His arm hurt like hell and he really wanted to go home and he felt awful and unstable in the worst kind of way – like he would break out crying any second, like the whole world was shattering to pieces around him, his head ready to explode.  He was tired, but he couldn’t get his mind to shut down, to relax.  And he was afraid of nightmares – was sure he’d get ones bad this time.

            “Scarlet.”

            Barry looked back.  “I’m gonna have nightmares,” he said.

            “No you aren’t,” Len said, and kissed him.

            “Yes I am,” Barry muttered.

            “Then I’ll be here when you wake up,” Len said, “I think you’re too tired to have nightmares, anyway.  Come on, Scarlet.  You’re exhausted.  You need to sleep.  It’ll help you heal faster too – make the pain go down quicker.”

            Barry bit his lip at that.  He knew it was true, and honestly, dropping off dead to the world for a little while sounded like a fantastic idea.  He just really didn’t think he could handle a panic attack after a nightmare right now.

            “You’ll be here when I wake up?” he said in a small voice.

            “Promise,” Len said, kissing him.

            “I wanna lie on my stomach.”

            “That’s not a great idea right now, Scarlet.  You’ve got stitches in your stomach.”

            “I want you to rub my back,” he said quietly, face heating up a little bit.

            “How ‘bout this?” Len asked, placing his hand gently over Barry’s abdomen.  He started moving it in slow circles over his stomach.

            “That’s weird,” Barry said, a blush covering his face.

            Len scoffed.  “Does it hurt?”

            “No.”

            “Does it feel good?”

            “… yeah.”

            “Then shut up and close your eyes.”

            Barry let out a soft laugh and then closed them.  He focused on the rhythmic feeling of Len’s hand, and the exhaustion flooded him all at once.  It was only a couple minutes after that before he fell asleep.”


	3. Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have to continue working, and Barry freaks out. WARNING: this gets intense and somewhat triggery for dark themes

 

            “Len – _Len_.”

            Len jolted awake with a groan, stretching.  His neck was killing him.  He looked down at the chair he was sitting in.  Yeah, definitely should have just crawled into bed next to Barry.

            “ _Len._ ”

            “Yes?” Len said, blinking.  He looked to find Barry lying down, struggling to sit up a bit.  Len helped him get up a little more, pushing the pillows behind him.

            “I feel like shit,” Barry said, his voice hoarse.  He winced.

            Len let out a long breath, but he smiled.  “You did a number on yourself this time, Scarlet.”

            Barry cringed.  “Hurts,” he said softly, shifting.

            “Feels better than yesterday, though, right?”

            Barry grimaced and shuddered, taking in a long breath.  “Yeah – a lot.  I… sorry about the yelling and stuff.”

            Len shook his head.  “It’s not your fault, Barry.  You don’t need to apologize.”

            Barry shifted uncomfortably, and then took in another shaky breath.  “Did um… did Caitlin tell you?  What she still has to do?”

            Len shook his head and Barry exhaled, his hands trembling a little bit, but Len didn’t comment on it, just waited until Barry got it back under control.

            “I um… I really wanna go home today, Len.”

            “We’ll see,” Len said. 

            “I really want to.”

            “Me too.”

            “I – I feel really shaky.”  Barry had his head down, and then raised it, his eyes meeting Len’s.  He looked incredibly vulnerable like that, his eyes wide, scared and pained.  Len gave his hand a squeeze.  It was still hard for Barry to admit when he was feeling bad, and Len had learned that “shaky” usually meant “I feel like I’m going to fall apart any second.”  It was what he said when he started trembling and got that fragile, unbalanced feeling, like he was falling apart, a breath away from a breakdown.

            “You’re still in a lot of pain,” Len said, rubbing his arm gently, “and you’re hurt.  Your body’s recovering.  And you had to go through a lot of trauma yesterday.  We’ll talk about that later, OK?”

            “Can you hold my hand?”

            Barry’s voice was tiny and he was back to looking down, face blushing red.  Len didn’t say anything, just took his hand again and gave it a small squeeze.  Barry’s fingers wrapped around his, gripping hard as he let out a breath.

            “It’s going to be OK,” Len said.  “Barry.”  Barry slowly looked up, meeting his eyes.  “It’s going to be OK,” Len repeated, adding emphasis to the words.

            Barry’s eyes were going glassy, welling up with tears that he furiously wiped away.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, taking his hand, stilling him, “it’s OK – I know it still hurts a lot.  It’s scary.  It’s OK.  You can be upset.  It’ll still be alright.”

            Barry shook his head, tears falling down his face.  “I – I’m just scared,” he said, voice tiny.  “I – I really wanna go home.”  His face was strained, looking up at Len.

            “You’re awake.”

            They both turned to see Caitlin entering the room, wearing latex gloves and moving over to one of the cabinets.  She had a small, comforting smile on her face but Barry tensed up and turned to Len.

            “Not yet,” he said, the fear suddenly back, “not yet, please.”

            “Barry,” Len said, just as Barry’s mouth tightened.

            “I just woke up, nothing yet, please.  Come on, Len, I just woke up.”

            “No one said anything about doing something yet, Scarlet.  Just relax.  Easy there.”

            Barry whimpered and turned his gaze towards Caitlin, eyes swimming.  She turned back to them, carrying a tray and sticking it on the table beside the bed.  Barry craned his neck to see, but Caitlin sat down on the edge of the bed to block his view.

            “I’m going to take a look, Barry,” she said, her voice firm.

            “Cait,” he said, pleading.

            “Barry, I’m just looking,” she said, taking his arm gently and starting to peel back the bandages.  When she caught Barry watching she paused.  “Barry, look at Len.”

            He whimpered again, and Len gently cupped the side of his face and nudged it so Barry turned, looking at him instead.

            “Caitlin’s just looking, Scarlet.  Nice and relaxed, now, OK?  Gonna get you some more water in a minute.  Are you warm enough?  Do you need more blankets?”

            Barry shivered and nodded and Len reached down and grabbed another soft blanket from the pile at the foot of the bed, narrating the whole time, always talking.

            “There you go – nice and warm.  Deep breaths, baby, just like that.  You’re doing great.  I know you don’t like this, Scarlet, you’re doing great.  I’m so proud of you.”

            Caitlin unwrapped the bandages over his shoulder, taking a look at the wounds.  Her face stayed impassive.  She gently touched the skin around it, and Barry tensed.

            “Stop – wait, stop!” Barry said, panicking.

            “Easy, easy, baby, Caitlin’s just looking, just checking it out.  You’re OK.  I’m right here.  I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, Barry.  It’s OK.”

            Barry was hyperventilating now, looking desperately at Len.  “I need a break,” he said, “stop, please, I need a break.  It hurts.”

            “OK,” Len said, looking at Caitlin, who had backed up, hands off.  Len smoothed a hand over Barry’s hair.  “OK, babe.  You can have a break.  It’s OK.  Breathe for me, Scarlet.”

            Barry’s breathing slowly evened out.  “I don’t want her to touch,” he said earnestly, looking at Len as he carded his fingers through his hair, “please, leave it alone, please, Len.”  A tear ran down his face, then another, and he was trembling.  “Please, it’s too soon, it’s too soon after the surgery, please, I can’t, I can’t Len, I know it’s just a little but I can’t.”

            “Shh,” Len said, “you’re fine, baby.  It’s OK, Scarlet.  You can do it.  I know you can.  It’s nothing bad, nothing bad right now.  You just have to breathe, OK?  Can you do that?  Can you focus on breathing and look right at me.  That’s all.  Just breathe and look right at me. Focus on me.”

            Barry whimpered and Caitlin reached down, said in a soft voice, “I’m going to look at your hand now.  I’ll be very gentle.  I won’t hurt you, Barry.”

            “Look at me,” Len said, “breathe and look at me.  You’re doing so well, Scarlet.  You’re being so brave.  Look right at me.  That’s it.  Eyes on me.”

            Barry whimpered when Caitlin touched his hand, trying to move it away.  She started to unwrap the bandages and he winced, pulling his arm back, or trying to anyway.

            “Shh, I know, Scarlet.  It hurts.  It’s OK.  It’s not bad.  You can do it.  You’ve done a lot worse.  I know it hurts, baby, just look at me.  It’s OK.  It hurts but it’ll stop soon.  It won’t last forever, Scarlet, I promise.”

            “Stop,” Barry said, shuddering, “Cait, wait – stop.”

            Caitlin paused.  “I need to finish looking, Barry.  I’m almost done.”

            “Just look right at me, baby,” Len said, and Barry shook his head, whimpering again.  Caitlin proceeded to touch gently around the burns and Barry winced, flinching.

            “Stop,” he said, “Stop – stop, it hurts.”

            “Shhh, Scarlet,” Len said, his grip on his shoulder tightening.  “It’s OK.  It’s OK, breathe through it.”

            “N-no,” Barry said, but then Caitlin was leaning back again.

            “It’s healing well,” Caitlin said, “Slower than usual, but well.  I’m going to add some more glucose to your IV, and in a second we’ll see if you can eat something for us.”

            “I don’t want to eat,” Barry said, pressing his head in against Len’s chest, still trembling.  Len moved his hand so he was rubbing his back.

            Caitlin ignored the response, and came back a moment later with new bandages and a cream of some sort.

            “I’m going to take your hand again,” Caitlin said, “this won’t hurt – it’ll make it feel better.”

            Barry tensed, but otherwise didn’t say anything, and Caitlin covered Barry’s hand in the cream, going over the burns, and then rewrapped it.  When she was done she touched his arm gently.

            “I need to palpitate your shoulder, Barry,” Caitlin said calmly.

            Barry tensed all over again, head up, eyes wide with dread.  “No,” he said, “that – that’ll hurt.”

            “It will a bit,” she said, “but I have to check that everything’s healing correctly.”

            Barry shook his head.  “No.”

            “Barry,” Len said.

            “No, it hurts,” Barry said, trying to back up on the bed.  He sent a terrified look at Len.

            “Listen to Caitlin,” Len said, forcing his expression to remain hard.  “I know it doesn’t feel good, Scarlet, but we have to listen to our doctors, remember?”

            “No, Len, come on,” Barry said, looking between the two frantically, trying to back up on the bed.  “I – I –”

            “I’m going to be really gentle,” Caitlin said, carefully taking his shoulder in both her hands.

            Barry tensed up and flinched back, a yelp escaping his mouth.  Tears sprung to his eyes and suddenly he was trembling, hyperventilating again.

            “That hurt, it already hurts just t-touching,” he said, panicked, “Y-you can’t, I can’t, ple-ease.”  He burst into tears, letting out a sob, curling in on himself.  “No, no, no, no,” he mumbled.

            “Shh, it’s OK, Scarlet, it’s OK,” Len said, reaching for him, and Barry latched onto the touch, head against his chest, sobbing.

            “I don’t want to, don’t, don’t, please, I can’t, it hurts,” Barry rambled between sobs, “don’t touch, don’touch, _dontouch_.”  His voice got higher and higher, all the while going out faster, garbled and slurred as Caitlin got a better grip on his shoulder and pressed just a bit firmer on one spot.

            “Shh, baby, it’s almost over,” Len said, giving up on trying to rationalize with Barry, just trying to soothe him enough to get through it.

            “Hurts, stop, hurts.  No, please,” Barry said, his voice going fast, “I don want to, I – please, _stop_ – stop, it _hu-urts_.”

            “Shh, I know, Scarlet, I know it hurts, baby, it’s OK.  It’s almost over.  Just a little bit more.  Almost done.”

            “Lenny, _please_ ,” Barry cried, “Please, I can’t do this, I can’t, please, stop, you have to stop, I wanna stop.  It hurts, it hurts!  Dontouch I don’t want y-you to t-touch.”  Barry fisted Len’s shirt with his good hand, and Len reached up to card his fingers through his hair.  “Stopstopstop, please, s-stop, _sto-op_ , I wanna die, leme die, I don’t _care,_ stop, you’ve gotta sto-op, I don c-care, stop, anything – I’ll do _anything_ , p- _please_.”

            Len felt like he was going to throw up.  He hugged Barry closer, pulling him in and holding him.  He hadn’t done this – hadn’t begged to die ever, although he’d told Len he had wanted to while he was abducted.  He hadn’t begged to die when Caitlin did surgery, when he was in so much pain, but he was now – now when Len was sure the pain was much more tolerable, when he was sure although not pleasant, Barry would normally have been able to deal with it fine.  He was drawn out and exhausted and scared and Len couldn’t do anything about it.

            “I’ll do a-anything,” he sobbed, “Just stop, _ple_ - _ease_ , j-just stop.  I’ll do _anything_ if you wo-would just _s-stop_.  Kill me, please, just make it stop – please, please stop doing this to me.”

            “Scarlet,” Len said, growing more alarmed, “Scarlet, it’s OK.”

            “Let me go,” he said, “please, I wanna go home, please.”

            “Shh, Scarlet, baby, it’s Len.  You’re with Len and Caitlin.  You can go home in a little bit, baby.  You’re OK.”

            “No,” Barry said, “no, no, no, I can’t – stop, please stop.”

            But Caitlin wasn’t touching him.  Caitlin hadn’t been touching him said he had first mentioned the word “die.”  But Barry was still sobbing, was still begging for it to stop.

            “Scarlet, baby, no one’s touching you.  She stopped.  We stopped.  No one’s touching you – no one’s hurting you, baby.”

            “Nonono,” Barry cried, like he hadn’t heard, “I don’t want to, please.”

            “Scarlet,” Len said, desperation leaking into his voice.  “Barry, baby, it’s done.  Caitlin stopped, it’s already done.”

            Barry whimpered.  “Please.”

            “Barry, baby, no one’s touching your shoulder.  No one’s touching your arm.”

            “No, no –”

            “Scarlet.  Hey, Scarlet, it’s OK.  It’s all over.  It’s done.”

            “Barry,” Caitlin said, “Barry I’m all done.”  That wasn’t really entirely true, but Barry was trembling and sobbing and Caitlin was trying anything to get him to calm down.

            Barry went silent.  He shook against Len, making no acknowledgement that he had heard.  He was still grabbing at Len’s shirt, eyes squeezed shut.

            “OK,” Len said, getting up.  Barry made a startled noise, and then grabbed onto Len harder.  Len stood up, and a moment later he had an arm under Barry’s legs, his other at his back, and he was lifting.

            Barry yelped, and Len grunted with the weight.

            “You are not as light as you look, Scarlet,” he got out, moving Barry over and then depositing him on the couch, shifting his shoulders up so that he could sit down.  Len leaned him back down, so that Barry’s head rested in his lap.  He took Barry’s good hand in his, and then used his other hand to run through Barry’s hair.

            “Easy, shh,” Len said, stroking his hair carefully, “we moved.  All done.  Not on the bed.  You’re OK, Scarlet.  I’m right here with you.  All alright.  It’s Len, Scarlet.  It’s Len and it’s fine, it’s just us.  We’re gone.”

            Barry mumbled something, eyes slipping shut as his hand squeezed down on Len’s.  He kept mumbling, and Len kept stroking his hair.  He didn’t know what else to do.  At some point Barry dropped off, falling into a fitful sleep instead.

            Len looked up at Caitlin once he was asleep.  She looked back.

            “This is bad,” he said.


	4. It Has To Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caitlin finds a slight problem and Barry actually deals with it better than expected.

“We’re gonna try something different, OK, baby?” Len said gently, carding his fingers through Barry’s hair.

            “Mm.”

            “You feeling really tired?”

            “Mmhm.”

            “OK, that’s good, Scarlet.  That’s real good.  Think you could just keep your eyes closed like that?”

            “Mm.”

            “Caitlin’s gonna hold your shoulder for a little, now, OK?”

            “Mmyeaokay.”

            “I’m gonna hold your hand.  You can squeeze down if you want.”

            “’m cold.”

            “We’ll warm you up in a minute.”

            “Blanket?”

            “In a minute, Scarlet.”

            “’s realcold.”

            “We’ll get some blankets in just a minute.”

            Barry tensed and let out a short cry, eyes flying open, but groggy anyway.  Caitlin pressed around his shoulder some more, and he weakly pulled away, whining.

            “Hurs.”

            “What?”

            “ _Hurrrss_.”

            “Hurts?”

            “Mmmmm.”  Barry nudged his head against the backrest of the couch cushion, making a whine deep in his throat and turning away from the pain.

            “It’ll stop in a minute.”

            Barry whined again, louder this time, face contracting.  “Eeeennn.”

            “I’m right here, Scarlet.”

            “Hurs.”

            “I know, Scarlet, just a bit more.”

            Barry nosed his face farther away, neck straining, with his face turned almost inwards, his cheek brushing Len’s leg.

            “S-stooopp.”

            “Just a minute, baby.”

            He got another whine and a whimper.  He stroked his hair and Barry leaned into the touch.

            “Mm.  Don eel good.”

            “What was that?”

            “Donfeelgood.”

            “Cait gave you something to help you relax.”

            “Donwannit.”

            “I think when you’re a little more awake you’ll disagree.”

            “Enn.”

            “Just a bit more.”

            “Wannastooppp.  Hurs.”

            “Almost there.”

            “Utithurs.”

            Len gave up trying to understand that one.  Barry’s speech seemed to be getting more and more mangled, tinged with pain now as well.  Caitlin had doped him up on a concoction fit to kill a horse and then dropped the temperature in the room down to thirty and changed out his IV for cold water, hoping it would slow down his systems enough for the drug to have some effect.  She had Cisco monitoring his vitals while she worked on his shoulder, making sure nothing dropped to dangerous levels.  She hadn’t wanted to try out the drug until she had tested it some more, but Len had all but begged her and Caitlin wasn’t too keen on having a repeat of Barry’s scene earlier either.  So far it was going well.

            “Caitlin, his heartrate’s almost at normal.”

            Caitlin perked up, paused in her work.  Scratch that, apparently it wasn’t going well anymore.

            She was up in a second, over by the monitors, and then quickly back, adjusting the IV line.  She changed the bag for room temperature saline, and instructed Cisco to turn the temperature up by ten degrees.

            “What’s wrong?” Len asked.

            “His vitals are dropping too low,” Caitlin said, “we need to bring him back up a little.”

            Barry started to fidget as Caitlin tried to finish up quickly.  She finished with his shoulder, ending by pulling out the stitches, and then started on his leg, looking at it first and then taking out those stitches as well.  She was just getting to his side when Barry started looking a little more cognizant.

            “Wh-what?” Barry said, looking at Len with fear in his eyes.

            “Caitlin’s finishing up,” Len said, “you remember?  She was looking at your arm.”

            “Yeah,” he said, still looking dazed.  “I’member.  I feel weird.”

            “She gave you something to help you relax.”

            “Thought that stuff didn’t work on me,” he mumbled.

            “It’s not really good for you,” Len said, “but we needed you to calm down.”

            “Hm,” Barry said, closing his eyes and then wincing.  “Almost done?”

            “Almost done,” Len reassured him.

            Barry squeezed down on his hand.

            “I don’ feel good.”

            “She’s almost done.”

            “Stomach hurts.”  Barry shivered, and then his face went a little paler.  “Len,” he said brokenly, alarmed.

            “Cait’s almost do-”

            Barry convulsed suddenly and then threw his head over the side of the couch, gagging.  A second later and he was throwing up bile.

            “Cisco,” Caitlin said.

            “Why am I always the clean-up crew,” Cisco mumbled, but was there with a mop a minute later.

            Barry moaned.  “I don’t feel good,” he said.  He shivered again and turned his head in towards Len.  “Head hurts.”  He moaned again.  “Len.”

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “It’s alright.”

            Caitlin finished up and rapidly switched out the IV again, getting rid of the drug.  Barry convulsed again and started dry heaving until tears gathered in his eyes.  He was white as a sheet and Len got blankets on him quick, trying to warm him up as he kept shivering.  They got him an icepack for his head, but he looked absolutely miserable.

            “So drug concoction’s a no-go,” Cisco said, grimacing.

            “Well, it calmed him down,” Caitlin said, cringing.

            “It just happened to make him ridiculously sick afterwards,” Cisco said.

            “It’s a tradeoff,” Caitlin said, “maybe I can tweak the dosages.”  With that she started putting everything away.  She took the IV out a little while later.  Barry had fallen silent, half asleep as he groaned in discomfort. 

 

 

 

            When Barry woke up next, Len had his favorite movie in along with raspberry lemonade (also his favorite) and had Joe bring in a blanket from home, hoping that would make him feel a little better.  It was a peace offering before he broke the news.

            Barry was clingy.  He was still feeling sick from the drugs and Len cuddled and held him while he complained that he didn’t feel good and that he was hurting all over.  Len kissed him over and over again and Barry sipped his drink and finally quieted down, relaxing against Len and watching the movie.  When it was almost over Caitlin came in with some apple sauce and yogurt, infused with a high calorie powder.

            It took a lot of coaxing to get him to eat even a few bites of each.  Barry’s stomach still hurt, but as Caitlin told him, if he wouldn’t eat, they’d have to keep the IV in longer, and Barry already wanted it out.  So he ate a little bit of the food they brought him, sipped on his drink, and curled up around Len with about five different blankets.

            And then the movie ended, and Caitlin turned to Len, her face serious.  They exchanged a look, and Len took in a deep breath.

            “Barry, baby,” he said, stroking his arm gently, “Caitlin’s going to need to do just a little bit more work on your side.”

            Barry froze.  “What?”

            “Caitlin needs to go in and look at something in your side, baby.  Where you got cut.  Where the stitches were in.”

            Barry stared at him, his eyes wide, entirely still. 

            Len took a deep breath.  “It’s just a little thing,” Len said, “it won’t take very long.  Caitlin said it won’t be very bad.”

            “One of your x-rays came back showing something,” Caitlin jumped in.  “It looks like a little fragment of metal got lodged under your skin.  I need to remove it.  It’ll just be like if I were removing a bullet, like you’ve done before, Barry.  It doesn’t take me long and it’s not that bad.”

            Barry looked at Caitlin, horrified, and then at Len, desperately.  There was a moment of pure terror in his eyes, and then suddenly it broke and he was trembling.  A second later there were tears springing up in his eyes and then he had his forehead slammed down again Len’s shoulder, hand clinging to his shirt and he started to cry.

            Len let out a breath before bringing his hand up to cup the back of Barry’s head, his fingers running through his hair.

            “I know, baby,” Len said, pressing a soft kiss to the back of his neck.  He closed his eyes for a moment, forcing himself to take a deep breath.  “I know, you shouldn’t have to do this.  You’ve been doing so well.  I know it’s a lot.  We’re asking a lot.  It’s going to be OK.  This one won’t be as bad.”

            Barry was just crying against him, sobbing and shaking.  He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t stop either and the noise was awful – racking sobs.  Normally when he cried now it was out of fear, but, although Len was sure Barry was afraid, the noises he was making were pure pain.  Barry was exhausted and upset and the idea of going through anything like this again – he was horrified at the idea, was absolutely despairing at the thought of having to go through that kind of pain and fear again.

            “Shh, baby, it’s OK,” Len said, rubbing his back, “it’s alright.  This one won’t be as bad.  I know it’s a lot, Scarlet, I know you just want it to be over.  It almost is.  Almost, baby, almost.  You’ve just gotta get through these last few things for us, Scarlet.  I know they hurt.  I know you’ve been in a lot of pain.  It’s almost done, baby.  You’re almost there.”

            “Don’t wanna do this, Len,” Barry said, and sobbed again.  “I don’t, please.”

            “I know you don’t, sweetheart,” Len said, sighing and giving him another kiss.  “We’re gonna get it over with and then you can relax again.”

            “No,” Barry said, crying harder, “Len, it hurts.”

            “I know, baby,” Len said, “I know it does, baby.  Caitlin’s going to get it done really fast for you.  Do you think you can take some deep breaths for me?  Do you think maybe you could start trying to calm down a little?”

            “No,” Barry said, shaking his head against him, still sobbing against his shoulder.  “I don’t wanna do this, it’s going to hurt.”

            “I know, baby, but it has to happen.  Why don’t you try to calm down a little, Scarlet?  You’ll feel better.”

            “No,” Barry said, shaking his head again, “no, I don’t want to calm down, I don’t want to do this, I don’t –”  His breathing hitched and he stuttered.  “It h-hurts.  I-it’s going to h-hurt and I- I – no.”

            “Scarlet,” Len said gently, “you’re going to make yourself sick.  You’ve been crying for a good long time now.  It’s time to try and calm down.  I know you can do it.  You’ve been so good for us, Scarlet.  You’ve been doing so well.  I know it’s a lot – I know this is hard.  Let’s try and breathe now, OK?”

            But Barry just shook his head and kept crying, ignoring him now.  He sobbed against him, utterly desolate and upset, crying hard.  It was all long, drawn out sobs, giving in to the desperation and dread that he felt, indulging in a nice, wallowing self-pity until he had entirely cried himself out, a good twenty minutes later.

            “We’re going to do some deep breathing now, Barry,” Len said quietly when he stopped.  “Can you do that for me?  Take a nice deep breath in, Scarlet.  I’m going to count to eight.”  Len did, and then went through the rest of the counts, instructing Barry on when to breathe in and when to breathe out, until his respiration was sufficiently stabilized and he had calmed down enough to at least try and be rational.

            “OK, baby,” Len said, “can you talk to me?  Can you tell me why you’re so upset?”

            “I don’t want to do it,” Barry said, leaning away so that he could look Len in the face only after Len gently pulled his arm from around him.

            “What’s making you so upset, though?” Len asked gently, still rubbing his back.  “I mean, I know it’s not fun and I know you’re exhausted and there will be some pain, but what exactly seems so terrible?  I just want to know if there’s anything we can do, Barry – if I can help you.  Let me help.”

            Barry looked down.  “It’ll hurt,” he said, his voice sounding small even to his own ears.  His face burned with embarrassment.  He always got embarrassed when he got upset over pain – it seemed like something that he should be able to handle.  Like he should have been used to it by now, or that he should at least not let it bother him as much as it did.  It made him feel weak.

            “What’s worse right now, Scarlet,” Len asked, switching to rub his knee instead, “the idea of the pain, or the fear of the medical stuff?”

            Barry’s eyes lowered again.  “The p-pain.”

            “You’re afraid it’ll be like the surgery?  The one you had to do earlier?”

            Barry nodded slowly.

            “OK,” Len said, “OK, baby.  It’s not going to be that bad.  It’s not as big of an operation.  Cait’s just going to make a little cut – I know, I know you don’t like that, Scarlet, I know it scares you – but she’s just going to make a little cut, and then she’ll reach in with some – I don’t know, the pliar thingies – the ones that look like tongs –”

            “Forceps,” Barry said, his voice raspy.

            “Forceps,” Len said, dipping his head in a nod, “She’ll use the forceps and take out the bit of metal that got stuck in you.  That’s it.  The surgery on your shoulder had a lot more work involved.  This one’s easy, Scarlet.  It won’t be as bad, I promise.”

            “It’s still going to hurt a lot,” Barry mumbled.

            “It won’t be so bad,” Len said, giving his hand a squeeze.  “We can set up a show for you to watch while she does it.  Or we can have you focus on your breathing while it happens.  Which would you like better, Barry?  Do you want to focus on controlling your breathing and relaxing, or would you rather try distraction?”

            “Relaxing,” he said.  He fidgeted with his hands. “I don’t think TV would do much.”

            “OK,” Len said, “so we’ll have you breathe – that helps with the pain, it makes it go down – and maybe you can picture something else?  How does that sound?  The beach, or a vacation, or home, or something nice?  Do you think you can focus on that while Caitlin gets it done?”

            “Maybe,” Barry said, his tone darker.”

            “The pain won’t be as bad, Barry,” Len said, “you can do it.”

            “I don’t want to.”

            “I know, baby, but it’s going to be OK.  The pain will be over quickly, OK?”

            Barry looked up slowly.  He turned to Caitlin, questioning.  “It won’t be too bad,” she said quickly, “it’ll be quick – and I won’t even need to put stitches in afterwards.  It will be one little cut, and then I have to get the piece out.  It should only take me a few minutes.  Ten tops.”

            “You got that, Scarlet?  Just ten minutes.  You can do it for ten minutes.”

            Barry looked a little bit more comfortable at that, nodding slowly, and then biting his lip.  “How are you gonna do it?”

            “What do you mean?” Caitlin asked.

            “Can I… can I lie down in the bed,” Barry asked, gesturing back towards the bed in the corner of the room.

            Caitlin took in a breath.  “No, we’re going to have to do this one on the counter.”

            Barry’s face dropped.  “The – the counter?” he asked, his voice squeaking.

            “I have to be able to see,” she said, “Just ten minutes, Barry, remember.  And I’ll put a sheet down.  You can have a blanket and a pillow.”

            “I don’t want to have it done on the counter,” he said, pleading.

            “I know, Barry, but I need to do it there,” she said.

            Barry looked absolutely crestfallen, and then a creeping fear entered his expression.  “Do… do you… are you going to use the f-foam?”

            Caitlin took in a deep breath.  “Yes, Barry.  But just around your stomach.  Just a little bit, like a seatbelt to hold you on there, that’s all.  Not much, I promise.”

            “Len,” Barry said, turning to him, looking absolutely wretched.

            “It’s OK, Scarlet,” Len said, “Caitlin just needs it to make the procedure go as fast as she can – so it’s over real quick for you.”

            “No, I – I won’t move, I promise, I swear – Len, I don’t want the foam, I’ll – I’ll breathe and I’ll listen, I won’t – I won’t yell this time, I promise – I won’t try to get away – I won’t argue, please, I just – not the foam.”

            “Barry, baby, it’s not a matter of what you’re going to do, it’s just what Caitlin needs – so she can get it done really fast for you.”

            “But – but I won’t move,” Barry said, “Len, please – Caitlin – Caitlin please, I promise, I’ll stay still, I’ll stay completely still, I swear –”

            “Barry,” Caitlin said calmly, “you might still jerk a bit when I start – and that’s OK – it’s OK if you move a bit, and you might do it completely involuntarily, so I need a couple of the foam on there.  It won’t be much, and I’m not going to put any on your arms or legs, so you won’t have to feel like you’re trapped, Barry.”

            Barry had tears back in his eyes when he turned to Len.

            “Hey,” Len said, reaching up to thumb away the little drops of water, “no, no – you used up your crying time.”  His voice was light, affectionate, and he gave Barry a small, tired smile.  “No more crying,” he said, and kissed Barry’s forehead, “no reason to be crying.  This is no big deal – easy.  You’ll do fine.”

            “No, Len, I –” he started.

            “Shh,” Len said, shaking his head.  “You will be fine.  We talked about the pain.  I know you’re scared, but we’re going to make sure you’re very relaxed, and that’ll help keep the pain down.  Remember, only ten minutes, anyway.  You can make it through ten minutes, Scarlet.  Is the panic the problem now?”

            Barry nodded desperately now, scared and grabbing onto Len.

            “OK, OK – well that’s an easy one, Scarlet.”  He thumbed away a couple more tears.  “Because I already just said we were going to make sure you’re nice and relaxed for it, so you don’t need to worry about that one bit.  You’re going to breathe nice and slow, and I’ll count it out for you, and you can count in your head, and focus on that.  What are you going to think about, Scarlet?  Which one will it be, to distract yourself – beach, home, what?”

            “I – I don’t know,” Barry stuttered.

            “Well pick one,” Len said.

            “Um… the… the lake house – the one – me and Iris – Joe would take us, when we were kids.  We went – we rented it.  I – that.”

            “Sounds like a good pick,” Len said, keeping his voice nice and calm, “can you tell me about it?  Can you describe it to me?”

            “Um, it’s – it’s a couple hours north of here,” Barry started, “and – it’s a cabin.  A – log cabin.  And it’s on a big lake.  We would go fishing.  I could never catch anything.”  Barry kept going for a little bit, a stilted, rambling monologue until he trailed off.

            “OK, that sounds good,” Len said, “so you’re going to think about that – imagine and picture that in your head – in all those details you just gave me.  And if you’re still afraid even with that, then I’ll be right there.  I’ll hold your hand.  You can squeeze down as hard as you want – that’ll help with the pain too.  You can yell if you want.  And I’m going to touch you just like this –” he reached up to card his fingers through Barry’s hair, the pads of his fingertips running over his scalp, and then down over his neck gently, “and I’ll be right there with you.”

            Barry made a noise in his throat, looked down.

            “OK?”

            “OK.”

            “Do you want some water?”

            Barry nodded, and Caitlin handed him a bottle.

            “We’re going to go on the counter now, Barry, but just to get relaxed and comfortable, not to start yet,” Len said.  Barry shot him a slightly horrified look and Len shook his head.  “Just going to get comfy,” Len said, lifting Barry up by the shoulders, gently nudging him to walk over to where Cisco had pulled out the wheeling table (which they called the “counter” because Barry flinched if they called it the “table”) from the corner of the room.  There was a plastic sheet over it and a pillow already set in place.  Cisco already had two blankets.

            “Can you take off your shirt, Barry?” Caitlin asked.

            Barry backed up into Len.  “I’m cold,” he said, almost a whine.

            “We have blankets,” Caitlin said.

            “Come on, Scarlet.  Shirt off,” Len said, already tugging just a bit at it.  Barry mumbled and pulled it off, worrying at it nervously with his hands.

            “Alright, now just lie down on your back,” Caitlin said.  Len helped him get up.  He wouldn’t lie down at first, just sat there, too scared for a few moments.  Len had to reassure him that they weren’t starting yet, that it wasn’t the table, that he was just lying down to get comfortable, before he’d assent.  When he did he shivered, and Len kept his hand locked in his, stroking his hair.

            “That’s a good job, Scarlet.  You’re doing so good.  You’re being very brave, very strong for us, Scarlet.”

            Cisco draped one blanket across his legs, the other one covering his shoulders and the top part of his chest, leaving his stomach open, where the mostly healed tissue was on his side – where Caitlin would have to work.

            “I’m going to put these on snug,” Caitlin said, and the next thing he knew, Barry had the foam over his waist and chest, two pieces pushing down firmly on him so that he couldn’t wriggle away.  He let out a scared noise from his throat.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “just like a seatbelt, remember?  Move your arms, Scarlet, your legs – see, you can still move.  You can even lean up a little, can’t you?  See, that’s it.  You can move, Scarlet.  I’m sure you could break out of those if you really wanted to anyway.  You aren’t trapped.  It’s just some stability. Like me holding your hand.  I’m not trapping you with that.  You can let go anytime, but I do it anyway to help you.  It’s just like that.”

            Barry managed to calm down a little bit with his words, getting used to the heavy sensation of the foam against his chest and waist as well.

            “Len, I don’t feel good,” he said, squirming a bit.

            “I know, baby.  I know it doesn’t feel good.  It’s OK.  It’ll be over real quick, and then you can lie back down in bed, OK?  What do you want to do afterwards?”

            Barry was quiet for a moment, and then said, “I want icecream.”

            Len smiled.  “What kind?”

            “Mint chocolate chip.”

            “With hot fudge?”

            “And whip cream.”

            “OK,” Len said, “I think we might have that already in your fridge.”  He looked to Cisco.

            “Already on it,” Cisco said, checking the fridge they had in there for the food.  He gave a thumbs up.

            “I want a whole carton,” Barry said.

            They both looked at Cisco and he sighed.  “I’ll get the car,” he grumbled, already moving out of the room to go buy a new carton of ice cream.

            “We can’t start until he gets back,” Barry said petulantly.

            “We’ll make sure the ice-cream is here when you’re done, Barry,” Len said, a smile on his face.

            “I want cuddling too.”

            “I will cuddle as much as you want, Barry.”

            “I want to go home afterwards.”

            “Not sure we can do that one just yet, Scarlet.”

            Barry gave him a frown and he offered an apologetic smile.  “We’ll move to the bed though,” Len said, “and we can cuddle and eat ice cream and you can have as much water as you want.”

            “I want the raspberry lemonade again.”

            “I think we still have some left,” Len said.

            “Should I call Cisco?” Caitlin asked, checking the fridge.

            “Might as well add it to his list,” Len said.

            Caitlin sighed, pulling out her phone.  “Anything else?”

            “Reeces,” Barry added.

            “Raspberry lemonade and Reeces,” Caitlin muttered, and then started to relay it into the phone.

            “Do you want to watch some TV too?” Len asked.

            Barry nodded, and Len rattled off a list of shows before Barry picked one.  Len set it up ready to go with Netflix.

            “Let’s start breathing,” Len said, and there was a flicker of fear on Barry’s face at the words, mouth settling into a frown.  Len ignored it and started going, counting out eight, two, and ten, in a continuous cycle.  Inhale, hold, exhale.  But despite Barry’s reluctance to start he jumped right into the rhythmic breathing, quickly getting into a more relaxed state. By the time Cisco came back Barry’s eyes were closed and he was breathing steadily to Len’s count.

            “Alright, I want you to start thinking about that lake house now,” Len said, still in the same calm, steady voice.  He started to stroke Barry’s hair again.  “I want you to think about all the details, and what it was like to be there – and imagine that you’re there now.”  He went back to counting then, interjecting a comment every once in a while: “now think about fishing” “picture what the water looks like at sunset” “imagine what you’d do if you could be there right now” and he kept going until Barry was breathing nice and slow and looking very, very calm.

            “OK, baby, Caitlin’s going to start now.  She’s going to get it done nice and quick, but if you need a break you can just raise your hand up and we can stop for a minute or so, OK?  Don’t say anything, though, just raise your hand.  You’re thinking about the lake house.  Close your eyes, it’s OK.  I’m right here.  Keep them nice and closed and think about the inside of the house – the different rooms.  The kitchen, first – did it have a dining table or…”  He kept going, getting specific now to keep his attention.  He was breathing on his own, fine, although he had tensed up a little bit at the notice that Caitlin would start.

            Len kept talking, watching Caitlin now.  He had Barry’s hand gripped tight, and used the other to stroke over his scalp, to twine in his hair.  He cupped the side of his face as he watched Caitlin bring the scalpel to Barry’s skin.

            Barry went rigid, freezing, the breath stuttering in his throat.  Len pressed a quick kiss to Barry’s cheek and then, in the same steady, calm and gentle voice, said, “Think about the water of the lake.  What it looks like, what it feels like.  Imagine it washing over your skin – imagine it on your arms, your hands…”  He kept going, and Barry stuttered in breath, eyes flickering open to close again in pain a second later.  He let out a short cry, and then bit down hard.

            “Remember, nice and slow breathing.  Ready, Scarlet?  In with me.  One… two…”  He watched Barry try to get it back under control, to follow Len’s coaching.  “That’s it.  That’s it, Scarlet, doing so good.  Now back to the lake house.  I think you’re in the grass now.  Just watching.  It’s warm outside.  Think about how it feels – there’s wind, but it’s warm.  It’s almost night, but there’s still plenty of light to see.”

            He switched back and forth, going from describing pieces of the lake house and coaching Barry through breathing.  Every time Barry tensed up or started hyperventilating he went back to breathing, and every time Barry looked like he was in a lot of pain he went to talking about the lake house, highlighting the sensations, trying to make Barry think of physical sensations besides pain to distract himself.  At one point Barry let out a cry and his eyes opened suddenly, desperate and full of fear and pain.

            “Len,” he panted, and let out a croak of a cry again.  “Len, hurts.”

            “You want a break, baby?  You’re doing really well, Scarlet.  You want a short break?”

            Barry nodded hastily and Len looked up at Caitlin, who paused.

            “OK, breathe for me, Scarlet,” Len said, going back to the counting.  “That’s it.  Doing such a good job.  We’re gonna go back to the lake house now.  Can you do that with me?  Can you go back and I think it’s morning now.  What are you going to have for breakfast?”

            “Pancakes,” Barry mumbled.

            “Good, pancakes,” Len said, “maybe with blueberries?”

            Barry nodded.  “OK,” Len said, “pancakes with blueberries.  What are you drinking?  Just think about it, don’t say it.  Breathe nice and deep, just like that.  You’re eating pancakes and blueberries and I bet it tastes really good.  Caitlin’s going to start again, Barry.  But you’re at the lake house right now, so it doesn’t really matter.  You’re having breakfast.  What does the table look like?”

            Caitlin started again and Barry’s face screwed up, but now it was only half pain and half concentration.  His hand squeezed down tight, but the rest of his muscles went from relaxed to tense again with the fluctuation of the pain.  Len kept talking, and then Caitlin was tapping his shoulder, and saying it was done.

            “Did you hear that, baby, it’s all done,” Len said, kissing his forehead.  “it’s all done.  Caitlin’s all done.  You did so well, Barry, so good.  I’m so proud of you.”

            Barry opened his eyes slowly.  Caitlin got rid of the foam, and Barry sat up shakily.  The first thing he did was wrap his arms around Len’s neck, and start to tremble.

            “Hey,” Len said, pulling away just enough so he could look Barry in the face.  He smiled a little bit, drawing Barry’s hair back, which was sweaty now, away from his face.  “It’s all done,” Len said, “no reason to get upset now.  You just finished.  You did really well, Barry.  You did so well this time.  I’m so proud of you for getting through that, you were so good the whole time.”

            Barry leant his head back down on Len’s shoulder, and Len hoisted him up and in a few steps carried him to the bed.  He laid him down gently and then got in beside him, the fit tight because it was a small bed, but it didn’t matter very much as Barry was attached to Len, hugging his arm, anyway.

            Len kissed the top of his head.  “Such a good job,” he kept mumbling, “so brave for us.  Took that so well.  Stayed nice and calm the whole time – you were so strong, Scarlet.”  He moved for the remote, leaning over.  “I’m gonna put that show on, OK?  Do you want some water?”

            Barry nodded, and Len gave it to him.  He drank the whole thing, a little fast, but not chugging, so Len didn’t say anything.  When he was finished he looked up at Len with shaky, wide eyes.

            “Icecream?”

            Len almost laughed.  He felt a surge of relief he hadn’t known he had been holding out for.

            “Yeah, baby, I think Caitlin’s getting it for you right now.  You deserve it.  You did a really great job, Scarlet.”

            Barry nodded, but he still looked a little lost.  He snuggled in closer to Len, curling up against his side.  Caitlin came over and handed him off the ice-cream – the entire carton –  along with the whole bottle of hot fudge.

            He started eating slowly, then began to really tear into it as he relaxed some more, came back to himself more.

            Barry took in a shaky breath a few minutes later.  “That really hurt,” he said quietly.

            Len squeezed his good shoulder.  “Do you want to talk about it?  You did really great breathing and staying calm about it.”

            Barry nodded.  “The… the lake house… and you talking – that helped.  That helped a lot.”

            “Yeah?” Len asked.  He decided not to mention yet that he looked up techniques for pain management and in his attempt to escape the “chronic pain” websites ended up finding that tip – the visualization – on a home birthing website.  He’d mention it another time.

            “Yeah,” Barry said, “it – it really helped with the pain.  And… and I didn’t… it wasn’t as scary.”  He was quiet for a moment.  “But it sure felt like a lot fucking longer than ten minutes.”

            Len let out a laugh.  He looked up at the clock.

            “Seven minutes,” Caitlin said.  “But it did feel longer.”

            Barry shifted a little.  “It still hurts,” he said.

            “It’ll heal quickly,” Caitlin said, “it won’t hurt for long.”

            “Watch the show,” Len said, nodding at the TV, “eat your ice cream.  You’ll barely notice it.”

            Barry gave him a skeptical look but poured some more hot fudge into the crater he had eaten out of the ice cream carton.

            “Can I _please_ go home now?” he said to Caitlin, giving her a pleading expression.

            “Not yet, Barry,” Caitlin said.

            “We’re lucky he has speed healing,” Cisco mumbled, “he’d be an insufferable patient at a hospital.”

            Barry scowled at him and Len laughed.  “I’d have drugs at a hospital,” Barry said adamantly, “nice, wonderful painkillers to get me high on.”

            “I’m working on it,” Caitlin said, then grimaced.  “The first trial run didn’t go so great.”

            Barry scrunched up his nose.  “Was that the stuff you gave me?  That made me sick?”

            “Yes,” Caitlin said, “on the bright side it did work.  You calmed down.  Then on the other hand it didn’t actually manage to block pain and it made you sick afterwards.  Your vitals dropped too much while we used it too – I’ll have to work on it.”

            Caitlin and Cisco filtered out, until it was just Len and Barry left in the room.  Barry was curled into Len’s side, eating the ice cream, not seeming to be paying much attention to the TV.  He was stabbing at the carton instead.

            Len pressed a kiss to his forehead gently.  “Babe?”

            Barry mumbled something and gave up stabbing, pressing in closer to Len.

            “Scarlet?” Len said quietly.

            “I wanna go home,” Barry mumbled.

            “You can soon,” Len said.

            “I don’t wanna stay here any longer, Len,” Barry said quietly, “it – it just keeps – everything just keeps _going_.”

            Len let out a sigh.  “I know, baby.  That’s why we can’t leave yet.  Caitlin has to keep making sure it’s all OK.  You’re doing a really good job of staying calm and dealing with it.”

            Barry shifted.  “I feel shaky,” he said softly.

            Len kissed him.  “It’s OK,” he said, “you can relax.  She’s not doing anything right now.  Just keep taking deep breaths and relax.”

            “I can’t,” Barry said, shuddering, “that’s – that’s just it.  I just… I can’t snap out of it.  I can’t… I don’t _feel_ good.”

            “What do you want?” Len asked, “besides going home?  What would make it better?”

            “I dunno,” Barry said, shifting again.  “I – I want more blankets.”

            “You done with the ice cream?”

            “Yeah,” Barry said, handing the carton and hot fudge over.  They were both more than half empty.

            Len clicked his tongue.  “And you made Cisco get a whole new carton and you didn’t even finish.”

            Barry gave him a little shove and Len laughed lightly.  He reached over and started pulling up more blankets around Barry, tucking them in around his shoulders.

            “Better?” Len asked.

            Barry nodded.

            “I think you should take a nap,” Len said.

            Barry’s eyes darkened almost immediately.  He looked away and shook his head.

            “Why not?” Len asked.

            Barry bit his lip.  “I – I don’t want to wake up and – and have to do something else.”

            “Oh,” Len said.  He had been expecting the usual excuse of nightmares.  He hadn’t considered that Barry was afraid of the simple passage of time if he fell asleep, meaning that he’d wake up and it would be time for Caitlin to check on the wounds again.

            “Alright,” Len said, instead, “then we’ll just relax here.  Maybe you can close your eyes.”

            Barry shook his head.

            “Alright, you don’t have to,” Len said, “want some of that lemonade?”

            Barry nodded, wriggled out of the blankets a bit, and took the drink.  He handed it back a minute later, settling back down.

            “Can you rub my back?”

            “Scarlet, you just had an operation on your stomach.”

            “Pleeaasee.”

            “No.”

            “Leennn.”

            “I will not do more damage to your stomach by having you roll over – that would hurt anyway, Barry.”

            Barry pouted for minute, and then looked up again with wide eyes, a slight blush over his face.  “Will you play with my hair?”

            Len sighed.  “Yes.” 

            Barry squirmed down happily, readjusting so that Len could reach up to run his fingers through Barry’s hair.

            Barry Allen was quite possibly the world’s biggest cuddle whore, or at least, that’s what Len thought.  When they first started their relationship, he had been very embarrassed about it, but by then Len already knew Barry was a very touchy person, and very tactile in nature.  He still got embarrassed, but it was easy for Len to tell that he craved time spent with Len holding him or just being curled up against him.  They had finally gotten to the point where even though Barry still got embarrassed, he would actually talk about it, would ask for what he wanted at least.  His affinity for cuddling got about ten times worse whenever he was hurt or upset, and he loved when Len petted his hair.

            “You really have been doing really well,” Len said softly, fingers carding through his hair.

            “You keep saying that,” Barry said quietly, doubt in his voice.

            “You have,” Len said, “you got seriously injured, Barry.  And once you are better we are having a serious conversation about your complete and utter lack of self-preservation, but for now, let me just tell you, it was fucking terrifying watching you come in here unconscious, bleeding, and – God, it was _bad_ , Scarlet.  It was really bad.”

            “’M sorry,” Barry said, coming muffled from where his head was against Len’s chest.

            Len sighed.  “Like I said, we’ll have the self-preservation conversation later, Barry.  My point is that you were hurt _very badly_.  And you’ve had to go through some serious pain and trauma, and for what you’ve been through, you are doing so well.  I _am_ proud of you, Barry.  You’ve been really brave, and you really did such a good job with that last one.  I know this is awful and overwhelming and painful, but you just have to focus one thing at a time, and know that it won’t last forever.  It’ll be over soon, and you’ll be fine, and we will go home, and this tension and pain will go away.  You will be alright.”

            Barry turned his face into Len’s chest.  “How come you always know what t’ say?” he said, coming out muffled, but it was filled with a quiet gratitude, a silent _thank you_ in there.

            Len laughed.  _Because I love you_.  “Because I care about you,” he said, kissing the top of his head, “and I know what you’re feeling – or at least, I can imagine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting this because I'm going on vacation again and don't want to leave a giant gap when I have a lot written already but I might edit some more later but anyway hope you liked it.


	5. Not an Option

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry needs another IV. He also needs to eat. Neither of those appeal to him.

            “I don’t want to.”

            “I know you don’t _want_ to, Barry –”

            “I’m not doin-”

            “But you have to anyway.”

            “No,” Barry said, scowling at him.

            Len closed his eyes.  He fought the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.

            “Scarlet –”

            “No.”

            “Barry,” he tried.

            “I’m not doing it.”

            “Barry, it’s just a little pinch, and then it will be over in a second.”

            “ _No_.”

            And then Len did pinch the bridge of his nose, hanging his head for a second.

            Barry was pressed into the corner of the room, behind the bed, using the tray that Caitlin brought her tools over with as some sort of shield.  He wouldn’t let them put in the goddamned IV.

            “Barry, I know you feel shitty right now, it’ll help.  It’ll make you feel better.”

            “You’re not sticking any more fucking needles in me,” he said, scowling.  As angry as his expression was, his eyes were all fear.  There was a stubborn determination like a sheen over his countenance though, a shield he was throwing up because he was afraid.

            “It’ll only take a second, Scarlet,” Len said, trying his best to keep his tone as gentle as possible.  “I’ll hold your hand.  We’ll breathe nice and slow.  You’ve gotten through so much for us, Scarlet – this is nothing.  Just one pinch then it’s done.”

            “Get away,” Barry said, backing up farther, eyes darting around.  Cisco had already gone and locked the door (a lock that was installed for this purpose) and was standing guard in front of it.  Caitlin was waiting with the IV, also ready in case he tried to run.

            Len took a deep breath and tried not to be hurt by the words.  He was still getting used to that.  Sometimes Barry needed to be left alone during panic attacks, and it always left him feeling helpless when he couldn’t touch him – couldn’t hold him or rub his back or take his hand while he went through it.  He had to keep reminding himself that it was just because Barry was scared, that it was because for a month of his life every time someone touched him it meant pain.

            “Barry, this doesn’t have to be scary,” Len said, keeping his hands up, palm out, non-threatening.  He was standing behind the bed, ready to make a grab if Barry made a break for it, but far enough away to give Barry a sense of safety.  “I know you’re upset, and this is overwhelming, but it’ll only take a second, and then you’ll start feeling better.  The nutrients in the IV will make you feel better, Barry.”

            “I’m _not_ doing it,” Barry said, and his eyes darted back to Caitlin, where the IV pole was.  “I’m not,” he said again, a little more frantic this time.

            The situation was escalating and Len gave up on the direct approach.  “Barry, babe, please just try to calm down,” Len said, “we don’t have to do it right away.  Why don’t you just come and sit down with me?  I’ll get you some water.”

            Barry hesitated for a moment.  The water trick usually got him to comply, but then his face hardened again and he shook his head. 

            “Can you breathe with me then?  Can you try to take deep breaths for me, Scarlet?” Len asked.  If he could just get him to calm down then maybe he could actually reason with him.

            But that only brought tears up to Barry’s eyes, and it shocked Len, wondering what he said, what he said wrong with that.

            “No,” Barry said, and he was breathing hard now, “no, I’m not – no, you’re not doing that, I’m not – you’re just – I’m not getting the IV.  I’m not – I won’t do it.”

            “OK, baby, what if Caitlin takes it away?” Len asked, “what if she takes it out of the room?  Would you come sit down and try to breathe with me then?”

            Barry hesitated again.  Caitlin looked at the IV, and then started to move it.  “I’m taking it out,” she said to Barry.  Cisco opened the door carefully for her, and she pushed it out.  He closed it again fast, before Barry got any ideas.  They weren’t sure he could even run in his dehydrated and malnourished state, but they weren’t taking chances.

            Barry still didn’t move though.  His eyes just darted from person to person, looking apprehensive.

            “Babe,” Len said carefully.  He edged a little bit closer, moving like he was going for a frightened animal.  “Can we sit down on the couch?  Can you sit with me for a bit?”

            Barry didn’t move, and he didn’t say anything, and Len gambled and moved around the bed, leaving one side open for Barry to run to if he wanted, and carefully moved closer to him.

            “Just gonna breathe for a little bit.  I’ll get you some water,” he said, and Barry eyed him warily.  Len carefully took the tray from Barry, gripping the edge with one hand at first, and then pausing, and then gently taking it from him.  Barry’s hands slipped off, leaving him looking dejected and miserable, and Len placed it on the bed.  “Can I take your hand?” he asked, holding out his.

            Barry looked at it for a moment, and then slowly reached out with his.  Len grasped it and, gave him a gentle tug forward, until Barry followed, walking slowly, shuffling, to the couch.  Len carefully placed a hand on Barry’s shoulder as well, and when he didn’t freak out, smoothed it over so that his arm was around him.  They sat down slowly on the couch, and then Barry curled into Len’s side, the motion surprising him even though it was done slowly.  Barry’s forehead pressed against Len’s chest and he started trembling, curling into a ball against Len.

            Len just wrapped his arm around him.  “It’s OK,” he said softly, “it’s alright.  I’ve got you.”

            Barry started to cry, and Len didn’t say a word for another five minutes, just holding him while he cried.  It wasn’t loud or violent like his crying usually was, with the wracking, painful sobs.  It was silent.  It looked for all the world like he was just trying to hide.

            After about five minutes, Barry looked up.  His face was tear-stained, and his voice cracked and shook.  “I don’t want to, Len.  I don’t want to.”  A tear slid down his face, and his mouth was a scrunched up wavering line.

            Len leaned in and kissed him.  “I know you don’t baby, but it’s going to make you feel better.  Can you just breathe with me right now?”

            “I’m not panicking, Len, I just – I just really can’t right now,” Barry said.

            “It’s to help you, Barry,” Len said, “it’s to make you feel better.  I know you’re not panicking, but can you breathe in deep anyway?  To help you relax a little?”

            “You’re not _listening_ ,” Barry said, his face strained.  “I _can’t_ , Len.  I’m _not_ doing it right now.”

            “Barry,” Len said, a little bit harder, “you have to do what your doctors say.  You need an IV in.  I know that scares you, and I know it’s unpleasant, and you don’t like it, but you have to do it.  It’s not up for debate, Scarlet.”

            Barry’s face went hard, and Len almost winced.  “No,” Barry said, stiffening in Len’s arms, and he had the despairing notion that they were about to be right back where they started, gone around in a circle.

            “Babe,” Len said, “you’re upset.  I get it.  This is a lot, and you’ve been through hell already the last couple days.  But you have to do it.  Let us help you.  It doesn’t have to be horrible.  You can do this, it won’t be so bad.”

            “No,” Barry said, a strain to it again, “Len, I don’t – I can’t have any more needles, please.”

            “It’s just one,” Len said, “just one pinch, Barry.  Cait’s good – you know she is, she’ll get it the first try – one little pinch –”  He snapped his fingers.  “And there – done.  And we can relax again.”

            “But it won’t be,” Barry said emphatically, “Because then it’ll be in me, Len, it’ll be there, inside me, and – and I – I’m not doing that right now.  I… I know it’s my health, and my doctors, and everything else you always say, but I just can’t, and I’m not – I – I don’t want anything sticking in me right now, I just – I just want to go home.”

            “The sooner you get this over with, the sooner you can go home, Scarlet,” Len said.

            Barry scowled.  “I’m not doing it,” he said, looking down.

            “Babe,” Len said, and he kissed the side of his head.  “I will do anything to make this easier for you, and I hate seeing you upset, but you _are_ doing it.  It will get done.  You need to stop fighting us, Scarlet.  We’re all on your side.  We can help you make it better.”

            Barry curled up a little tighter in on himself.  “No,” he said, sounding scared and angry both.

            Len took in a long breath.  “I’m gonna give you three options, and you tell me what sounds best, OK?  I can hold you, and you don’t have to look, you can just squeeze down on my hand and I’ll hold you the whole time while Caitlin puts in the IV.  Or, you can sit up, and I’ll still hold your hand, and you can close your eyes and breathe in and out with me, real steady, and we’ll concentrate on that – or, you can watch, and see exactly what Caitlin does, and she’ll tell you everything before she does it – walk you through the whole thing, and focus on the fact that it’s nothing bad – nothing scary or awful or horrible.  Just an IV.  Those are your three choices.  Which would you like, Scarlet?”

            “None,” Barry said.

            “Not an option,” Len said.  “Pick one.  Which sounds best?  Which one sounds least scary, or distressing?”

            “None of them,” Barry said, almost spat, angrily and scared.  “They’re all – they’re all awful.”

            “Scarlet,” Len said, “you have to have this done.  I know it’s not fun.  I know you hate it.  I know you’re scared and upset and miserable.  You still have to have it done.  So what will be the least bad?  What will make you the least amount of scared and upset and miserable?  Give me something, babe.  I’m trying to help, baby.  I know it doesn’t feel like it, but all I want to do is help.”

            Barry was close to tears again.  He stared at the floor. 

            “You can hold me,” he said, his voice so quiet Len almost didn’t hear.  A rush of relief went through him, and he flashed a look at Caitlin, giving her a small nod.

            Barry started trembling almost immediately, and Len reached around and pulled him in.

            “Thank you, baby.  It’s OK.  It’s gonna be over so fast, I promise.  I’ve got you.” 

            Barry tucked his head in, whimpering, and wrapped his arms around Len in return, grabbing at the material of his jacket with both hands, fingers strained white.  Caitlin came in and gently pried off his left arm, and Barry whimpered again, louder this time.

            “Shh, it’s OK,” Len said, “it’s alright.  I’ve got you.  I’m right here.” 

            As he said it, Caitlin slid the needle into his arm.  Barry jolted, and then let out a squeaky, panicked whine, gasping.  He grabbed at the material of his shirt tighter, and Len brought one hand up to cup the back of his head, keeping him in close.

            “Shh, it’s OK,” Len said, “it’s alright.  You’re OK.  It’s all done.  It’s already all over, baby.  All done.  Just that one pinch, Scarlet.  Now it’s all done.  All over.”

            Barry whimpered some more against him as Caitlin taped it in place, and then only tightened in against Len when she finished.  They stayed like that for a while, Len repeating soft reassurances to him – the same ones he always did, over and over and over again.

 

 

 

            Barry opened his eyes slowly.  He had the initial heavy feeling of sleep, and then his surroundings started to come back.  The pain hit.  Not so bad now, but still very present.  And then the warm feeling of blankets on him, the harder feel of arms underneath that.  He looked up.

            “Hi,” Len said, and Barry blinked, his vision focusing.  Len gave him a small smile.  “How you feeling, baby?”

            Barry frowned and turned a little.  He groaned.  His stomach hurt, and his shoulder too.  He fidgeted a little.

            “Tired,” he said, yawning.  He closed his eyes again, snuggling back down against Len.  He was lying across his lap, head curled up on his chest in the corner of the couch.  He didn’t want to move.

            Len started stroking his hair.  Barry let out a small sigh, focusing on the pleasant feeling despite the pain.  He breathed in deeply, smelled the strange mix of fresh shower-smelling laundry detergent and the crisp, outdoorsy scent that was Len.  It was comforting.

            Len kept playing with his hair, and Barry slipped back into a doze.  The pain became a dull buzz in the back of his head, and sleep hung over him, just a bit out of reach.  After some time, he heard a thud, and then Caitlin’s voice, awakening him slightly from his reverie.

            “Is he awake?”

            Barry opened his eyes.  Len looked down.  “Yes.”

            “Good.”

            Barry didn’t like the sound of that.

            He closed his eyes again, almost instinctively curling inwards towards Len, trying to make himself smaller.  He let out a whimper.

            Len stilled.  He looked down at Barry with a bit of shock, which quickly turned to an anxious concern.

            “It’s OK, baby, Cait doesn’t have to do anything right now,” Len said, but Barry didn’t uncurl from his balled up position.

            Barry heard Caitlin walk over to them.  He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, hands curling to fists in the blankets, grabbing onto some of the material of Len’s shirt as well.  He heard something set down on the end table next to them, and then more footsteps across the room.

            “Are you hungry, baby?  Do you want something to eat?”

            Barry shook his head.  Then relaxed a little bit.  Caitlin had walked away.

            “Can you try to eat a little for me, Scarlet?  Just a little?”

            Barry shook his head again.  His stomach hurt.

            “We really need you to have something, Scarlet.”

            Barry made a noise in his throat.

            “I know, baby, but we really need you to try.”

            Barry grumbled.  Len started to push him into an upright position and he grumbled more.  He whined when Len got him sitting up, half on his lap.

            “How about some water?”

            Barry stilled.  “OK,” he said.  His voice sounded raspy to his own ears, surprising him.  He took the glass of lemonade that Len gave him.

            “I cut you up some fruit,” Caitlin said, from her seat across from them.  She pointed to the tray to Barry’s right.  “There’s yogurt too.”

            Barry looked, but his stomach turned.  He drank some more lemonade.

            “Can you try eating some yogurt, Scarlet?”

            Barry shook his head.  “Stomach hurts,” he mumbled.

            “Eating might help,” Len said, “I know it’ll make you feel better.  Less tired.”

            Barry tensed and frowned.  “I thought that was what the IV was for.”

            “It is,” Caitlin said, “But we really need you to eat something too.  The IV can come out faster if you eat real food too.”

            Barry frowned and eyed the plate.  He picked up a piece of cantaloupe and took a bite.

            Caitlin and Len waited.  He finished the piece, then picked up the drink again and had that.

            “Could you try to have a little of the yogurt at least,” Caitlin said, “that has the extra calorie packets in it.  You need more calories while you’re healing.  We can only give you so much through the IV.”

            “I’m not hungry,” Barry said, leaning back against Len again.  He just wanted to cuddle some more and go back to sleep.

            “Can you try to have at least a little,” Len said.

            Barry grumbled but took up a spoonful.  He ate it and then placed it back again.

            “Can you take another bite, sweetheart?” Len asked gently.

            Barry whined and didn’t even bother shaking his head, just slumped down a little more against Len.  He propped him back up.  “Just another couple bites, sweetheart,” Len said.

            Barry ate.  He didn’t want to.  Len had to coax every bite out of him, and Caitlin had to keep telling him he’d only get the IV out soon if he ate, would only get to go home soon if he ate.  So he finished the yogurt and had some of the fruit, one painful bite at a time.

            “Can we go home now?” Barry asked, looking up at Len when Caitlin finally took the tray of food away.

            “Not yet, sweetheart,” Len said.

            “Please, Len,” Barry said, face falling.

            “I’m sorry, baby,” Len said, “not quite yet.”

            Barry let out a harsh noise and then moved back, glowering into the blankets as he got himself more fully under. 

            “It feels like it’s never going to end,” he said.

            “It will,” Len said, “it’s healing really well.  You’ll be all back to normal soon.”

            “I don’t want to do anything else,” Barry said, looking up at Len suddenly.

            “I think all the hard stuff’s over,” Len said.

            “Can I please go home?” Barry asked, his face contracting, “please, Len, I’m so done.  Please.  I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed and not have to worry about this anymore.”

            “I’m sorry, baby,” Len said, “you can’t go just yet.”

            “ _Len_.”

            “This sucks,” Len said, “and you’re doing a great job.  Just a little longer, Scarlet.”

            Barry turned to Caitlin.  “When can I go home?” he asked.

            Caitlin hesitated.  “You need a lot more calories before you go anywhere… that means at least a little longer on the IV, and you’ll need to eat more before you can go.  I’ll have to check on your shoulder again.”  Barry winced.  “But your leg looks fine now, and your side is healing fine.  If you’re feeling up to it, we can get you in an MRI tonight, and if everything looks fine you can go home after that.”

            Barry had paled.  “I need an MRI?”

            Caitlin nodded.  “You’ve done it before,” Caitlin said, “it’s not bad, Barry.  It doesn’t hurt or anything.  I just need to check all the tissue growth and make sure it’s all healed correctly.”

            “I don’t want to go inside that thing again,” Barry said, “Caitlin, come on, it – you did surgery, it has to be fine – you checked it all already.”

            “I need an MRI to make sure,” Caitlin said.

            “Can’t I wait until tomorrow?” Barry asked, “Please?  I’ll come in tomorrow morning.”

            “If you’re not feeling well enough then we can wait until tomorrow,” Caitlin said, “but in that case you need to stay here.”

            “Why?” Barry burst out.  “Why does it matter if I wait here or if I go home?  Caitlin, that doesn’t make sense.  I’ll come in the morning, I swear – I will, I won’t argue.  I’ll come right in the morning, I just want to go home now.”

            “If you can’t take the MRI today,” Caitlin said calmly, “then I want to keep you on the IV here until tomorrow.”

            “That’s not fair,” Barry said, “I just don’t want to do the MRI tonight, I don’t – I’m too nervous, I’m too – just let me go home and get some real sleep and I’ll be better tomorrow.”

            “Barry,” Caitlin said, “either you’re ready to take the MRI tonight, and you do, or you’re not ready, and you need to stay on the IV longer, to get your strength up.”

            “I’m fine, though,” Barry said, “I’ll be fine, I – I’m ready to take the MRI tonight, I just don’t want to.”

            “If you’re ready tonight, then you need to take it tonight,” Caitlin said.

            “No!  Why can’t I just go home and do it tomorrow?”

            “Because I don’t want to do the MRI any later than necessary,” Caitlin said, “in case there are any problems.”

            Barry went quiet.  “You think there’ll be problems?”

            “No,” she said quickly, “I don’t think so, but I need to check.  If you’re feeling OK by tonight then we should really check tonight.  If you’re not feeling better then we can wait until tomorrow morning – but only if you’re not feeling well enough, because that’ll mean it’s probably still healing anyway.”

            Barry went quiet again.  “I don’t want an MRI,” he said softly.

            “It’s not that bad, Barry,” Len said, giving him a squeeze.  “You just lie there.  No needles, no pain, just lying there.  Take a nap.  It’ll be fine.”

            “I don’t like them,” Barry said quietly, and then with increasing irritation, voice cracking.  “They make me nervous.  You know that.  You know, Len, they – they –”

            “No, Scarlet, I – I know they make you nervous, baby, I didn’t – I’m not trying to disregard your feelings, Barry, I’m just trying to help you calm down.  I know they make you nervous, and I know you don’t like them, baby, I’m sorry.”

            Barry shook his head.  “I really don’t want to do one right now, Len, I – I know they’re not that bad, but I’m so – I feel so on edge already, and – and I don’t want to have to do any more, Len.”

            “I’m sorry, Scarlet,” Len said.  He kissed the top of his head.  “We’ll go really slow for you OK?  We’ll do it tonight, OK?  We’ll do it tonight and afterwards we can go home and we can lie down in bed and you can just relax.  We’ll do whatever you want, baby.  Just think about that.  Think about going home and how nice it’ll be afterwards.”

            “OK,” Barry said softly.  He looked exhausted and Len kissed him again. 

            “Why don’t you take another nap?” he asked.  “I’ll hold you.”

            Barry nodded, and closed his eyes.


	6. Remember What I Said About Cooperating?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for an MRI.
> 
> (As a side note I have absolutely no medical knowledge outside of google and webmd so please, just roll with the inaccuracies)

Barry whimpered, and Len felt like an absolute asshole.

            “Baby, it’s just for a little bit,” he tried, “it’ll be over real soon and then we can go home.”

            Barry didn’t say anything.  He just trembled and looked at the machine, his face crumpling up.  He wrung his hands together to try to hide the trembling.

            “It’s going to be OK, Scarlet.  I know it looks scary, but it’s just a machine.  It can’t hurt you.  It won’t even hurt at all – you know that, you’ve done it before.  It’s not so bad.  Nothing hurts – you just lie there.  Just lie down, take a little nap, zone out.  I’ll talk you through it – we can do the cabin thing if you want.  It’s OK.  We don’t have to start right away.  We can wait a bit.”

            Barry swallowed hard, looked like he was about to take a step forward, and then hesitated, tensing up and turning away, looking at the ground.

            “Lenny,” Barry said, sounding panicked, his voice quiet.  He shook his head and took a step backwards.

            “It’s OK, Scarlet.  It’s OK.  It’s not going to hurt you.  It’s just a hunk of metal,” Len said, stepping forward to take his arm, and Barry practically fell against him, head on his shoulder, shaking.

            “I c-can’t,” he said, and his voice cracked.  “I can’t, Len, I c-can’t, please, I want to go h-home, I w-want – I- I don’t care, I’ll go b-back to the room, I just can’t – I can’t do it.”

            “Shh, Scarlet, it’s OK,” Len said, but Barry started crying.

            “Don’t ma-ake me go in that thing, please, p-please, don’t make me go inside that thing, th-the table, please.  I can’t, don’t, Lenny, please.  Lenny, I – I-”

            “Shh, sweetheart, it’s OK,” Len said, holding him tight now, rocking slightly.  “it’s OK.  It’s alright.  I’m right here.  I’m not going to let anything happen to you.  It’s OK.  It’s OK now, it’s OK.”

            Barry shook his head.  “I wanna go h-home, please, not in here, I – I ca-a-”

            “OK, OK, come on,” Len said, and he led Barry out of the room, listening as Barry’s breaths quickly escalated into hyperventilation, as he spiraled into a panic attack.  He was sobbing uncontrollably, hiding his face, gripping onto Len, terrified.

            “It’s OK,” Len said again.  “Barry, sweetheart, you need to breathe.  It’s OK.  It’s alright, we don’t have to do anything right now, let’s just calm down.”

            Barry nodded fast and Len led him out of the room and through the hallway a little bit.  Caitlin came out a second later from the controls room, Cisco following.

            “What’s –”  Caitlin’s voice broke off when she saw what was going on.  She made eye contact with Len and they shared a look.

            “Lenny,” Barry said, and Len’s eyes went back to him again.  “I c-can’t bre-eathe.”

            “Yes you can, baby,” Len said, almost sighing, closing his eyes for a moment to collect himself again.  This, at least, was familiar. He smoothed a hand over Barry’s hair.  “You’re having a panic attack, baby, you can breathe just fine, I promise – it just feels like you can’t.”

            Barry shook his head.  “ _Len_.”  His hands tightened on the fabric of Len’s jacket and he tensed up tighter.  He stumbled a little, pressing against him, and then whimpered again. “N-no.”

            “Barry, baby, what’s going on?” Len asked, his alarm growing as Barry swayed suddenly. 

            Len moved to catch him, wrapping his arms around Barry, who was going partially limp, struggling.

            “Barry?” Len said, and suddenly Caitlin and Cisco were there too, and Len was lowering Barry to the ground.  “Barry, Scarlet – what’s going on?”

            “C-c-can’t s-see,” he said, and his teeth started chattering.  He let out a sob.  “ _Len._ ”

            But Len felt a quick surge of relief, afraid there was some complication with his injuries which had caused him to fall down.  He moved so he was on the ground as well, and took Barry’s hand, running his other over his hair again.

            “It’s OK, baby, I’m right here,” Len said, “it’s alright.  I know it’s uncomfortable, baby, but I’m right here with you.  I won’t let anything hurt you.  It’s OK.”

            “Don’t go,” Barry said, suddenly clinging to him and Len let out a shaky breath.

            “I’m not going anywhere Barry, I’m right here.”

            “ _Len._ ”

            “Right here, Scarlet,” he said, and he placed a kiss to his forehead.

            “D-dark.”

            Len kissed him again, squeezing his eyes shut.  “I know, baby, it’ll be gone in a few minutes.  It’s OK.  I’m right here.  Can you try to breathe with me for a little bit?”

            “C-can’t breathe.”

            “You can,” Len said, “I know you can, baby.  Your throat feels really tight right now and your chest hurts, but that’s the panic attack, Scarlet.  It’s just the panic attack.  You’re breathing just fine.  It’s OK.  Slow it down and the feeling will go away.”

            “Len I can’t d-do this,” Barry said, leaning his forehead down against him with a sob.

            “It’s OK, baby, you don’t have to do anything at all right now,” Len said softly.

            “No, Len, I can’t – the MRI – I can’t.”

            “You don’t have to right now,” Len said, “we can wait.  It’s OK.”

            “No, I – can’t see – it – it’s too much, please, I can’t – I can’t do this.”

            “Shh, sweetheart, it’s OK,” Len said, pulling him closer.  “It’s really OK.  You’re OK.”

            Barry curled up tighter, shaking with sobs, like he was trying to hide in Len’s arms.

            “Shh, baby, it’s OK,” Len said, “it’s OK.  Just close your eyes.  I’ve got you.”

            He kept going for another fifteen minutes, until Barry seemed to finally have calmed down enough.  When Len stopped hearing the sounds of him crying, and when his chest was rising and falling at a steady rate, he leaned back a little bit and loosened his grip.

            “Hey,” he said, and he ran his hand through Barry’s hair.

            Barry curled in tighter.  His hands gripped at Len.

            “Are you feeling better now?” Len asked.

            Barry shook his head.

            “Do you want to go back to your room?”

            He nodded.

            Len stood up, practically lifting Barry with him.  They made it to Barry’s room, and then Barry dragged him over to the bed, nudged him until he laid down, and climbed in after him, curling up in much the exact same position as he had been in the hallway.

            Caitlin and Cisco trailed into the room behind them.  Len looked up as Caitlin entered.  She had a pained expression on her face.

            Len mouthed “time” and Caitlin cringed.  She held up one finger.  Len mouthed “hour” and she nodded, then mouthed back “tops.” 

            Len lay with Barry for another fifteen minutes or so.  He half expected him to fall asleep, but he didn’t.  He squirmed or fidgeted every few minutes, letting Len know that he was still awake.

            “Hey, Scarlet?” Len asked afterwards.  Barry stilled, tensed a little.  Len kept going.  “We need to talk about the MRI, baby.”

            Barry shook his head, burrowed more into Len.

            Len sighed.  He played with Barry’s hair, running his fingers through it.  “I know, baby.  I know you don’t want to.  I know you just had a nasty panic attack, and I wish we could just lie down, but Caitlin has to check you out soon, or she won’t be able to fix the problems if there are any.  It’ll be too late.”

            Barry shook his head again, made a small noise.

            Len kissed the top of his head.  “I promise, Scarlet, after the MRI, as long as everything looks good, I’ll take you home and we can go straight to bed and cuddle all night and all tomorrow too if you want, but we have to get this done first, baby.  I know it sucks, and I know you’re feeling awful, but afterwards it’ll be all done for a while, and we can just relax, OK, baby?”

            “I don’t want to, Len,” Barry said, not moving.  “I really, really don’t want to.  I’ll stay in the room.  I’ll wait to go home, I just don’t want to do the MRI right now.”

            Len sighed.  “I’m sorry, baby, we really have to.”

            “I’m going to have another panic attack,” Barry said in a whisper.  “I – I can’t, Len.  I can’t go through that again, please.”

            “You don’t have to, Scarlet,” Len said, forcing himself to take a deep breath.  “You won’t have another panic attack.  It’s OK.  We’ll make sure, Barry.  You don’t have to go through that again right now.”

            “But I will,” Barry said, erupting into tremors, “I just – I just can’t right now.”

            “You can, baby.  You’ve been so brave, this is nothing.  It’s nothing at all.  You’ll be fine.”

            Barry was silent for a bit, and then he looked up slowly, skeptically.  “Promise?”

            “I promise,” Len said.

            Barry settled back down.  “I don’t want to go yet.”

            “We have to go soon,” Len said.

            “Half an hour?”

            “Shorter than that.”

            “Twenty?”

            “Fifteen.”

            “Seventeen.”

            “Scarlet.”

            “Fine, fifteen,” he mumbled.

            “If we go in fifteen though, you have to cooperate,” Len said, “we’ll need to start pretty quick.  You can still have time in between to adjust and breathe and everything, but we can’t delay then.  Or we can go now, if you think it’ll be too tough, and you’ll need more time.”

            “I’ll wait,” Barry said, sounding uncomfortable.

            “OK,” Len said, “then fifteen minutes.”

           

 

           

 

            Barry sat up on the MRI table, refusing to let go of Len’s hand.

            “He stays.”

            “Barry –” Caitlin started.

            “He stays.”

            “In order to get the imag-”

            “Stays.”

            “Scarlet –” Len tried.

            “No.”

            “Remember what I said about cooperating?” Len said.

            “You’re staying.”

            “Barry, I have to get –” Caitlin started.

            “He’s staying or I’m not doing it,” Barry said.  His eyes were hard, face set, and he was staring Caitlin down.

            “Barry Allen,” Caitlin said, hands on her hips and matching his glare, “You need to –”

            “No.”

            “Barry,” Len said, trying for a sterner look.

            Barry just looked back over at him, and informed him, “You’re staying,” before looking back to Caitlin and resuming his glare.

            “You promised me you’d cooperate, Scarlet,” Len said, pulling at his hand.  Barry had an iron grip on it.

            “I didn’t.  You just said I had to.  I didn’t agree to anything.”

            Len pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Barry –”

            “Fine,” Caitlin said, throwing up her hands.  “He can stay.  But if this imaging doesn’t come out, then you are doing a second one, and that second one will be alone.  Got it?”

            A flicker crossed Barry’s eyes.  “A second one?”

            “If it doesn’t come out,” Caitlin said, nodding.  “You can take the risk and have him here, or you can just get it over with by yourself.”

            “I’ll still talk to you,” Len said, “from the room.”

            Barry’s jaw set.  “No.  I want him to stay.”

            “Fine,” Caitlin said.  “Lie down.”

            So Cisco brought in a chair, and Len sat next to the machine with his elbow propped up on the table and his hand in Barry’s while Barry lay on the table of the machine.  The MRI only took about twenty minutes, and it came out fine.  Caitlin went on a long rant about how he was so lucky it did, and he didn’t move and mess it up and etcetera, but Barry still had a victorious gleam in his eyes and Len really wanted to go to bed.

            Cisco was helping Barry gather his things, Barry looking the best he had since this whole thing had started, ecstatic about going home, when Caitlin approached him.

            “There are still some muscle tears in his shoulder,” she said quietly to him.

            Len’s stomach dropped.  “Does that mean surgery?”  He could already feel his mouth going dry, could already hear the pleas he was sure to get, could already see the fear and pain as Barry was sure to burst into tears, and oh God, he could not handle seeing Barry go through that again.

            “No,” Caitlin said.  Len felt a wash of relief, but then Caitlin’s mouth twisted.  “He won’t need surgery.  But he might require some physical therapy for this one.”

            “Alright,” Len said, “well that’s not so bad, right?”

            “No,” Caitlin said, but she looked doubtful, “except I really don’t know how his accelerated healing is going to work with that.  Have him rest for tonight and tomorrow.  After that he’ll need to come in again.”  She handed him a small container of a blueish liquid then.  “I mixed this up for him.  He should drink two tablespoons three times a day for the next few days.  It’ll help him heal faster, and hopefully counteract any infection without me having to give him an injection or setting up another IV.”

            “OK,” Len said, “And Caitlin, thanks.”

            Caitlin smiled.  “He’s my friend too.  I don’t want to see him in pain any more than anyone else.”

            “I know,” Len said, “just… thanks.”

            Caitlin nodded, and then Barry was walking over to him, carrying a bag in his good arm, grinning.

           

 

 

            Len drove Barry back to Joe’s, and once they got up the stairs to his room, Barry all but collapsed onto the bed.  Len sat on the edge next to him, reaching over to rub circles on his back.

            “You have no idea how good this feels,” Barry said, face down on the bed.

            Len let out a soft laugh.  “Do you want me to call Joe for you?”

            Barry nodded, so Len took out his phone and called Detective West.  He swallowed down the awkwardness at that and relayed the information that Barry was out, and he was home.  There was an unspoken inflection there that Len was spending the night.  Joe had made it pretty clear in the past that he didn’t like that, but he would tolerate it for Barry’s sake.

            “You’re staying, right?” Barry asked when he hung up.

            “Yeah, Scarlet, I’m staying,” Len said, leaning down on the bed next to him, and Barry curled up against his side.

            “Good,” he said, sounding sleepy already.  Len ran his fingers through his hair.

            “Do you want me to get you anything?  Water?  Some food.”

            “Mm, just stay,” Barry mumbled, and Len let out a breath.


	7. You Feel Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this - I know I haven't posted on here in a while, but just so you guys know, the story that comes before this one, the first part of the series, "Learning to Breathe" is finished, and I should be getting out the first couple chapters of the next section, which is going to be called "Inhale" out soon. Anyway, thanks for reading, enjoy :)

            Based on his reaction to finally being able to leave Star Labs, Len thought Barry would be doing well the next day.  He had looked a lot more like his real self when they were leaving, getting excited and talking and dragging Len along.  He really thought once they got Barry home things would get better quickly.  He was wrong.

            Barry was clingy.  Oddly clingy.  He was acting like he usually acted right after any procedure that was more than just a blood test or an IV, but that usually only lasted a couple hours, maybe the night, and then he’d be better the next day.  But it was almost four in the afternoon, and Barry was curled against Len and wouldn’t let him get up without coming with him.  It didn’t help that they were the only ones in the house, Iris and Joe not back from work yet, but he really thought Barry would be more relaxed by now.

            He didn’t say anything about it, though.  Just held him and put on movies and acted like it was totally normal for Barry to trail two steps behind him when he got up to get water or food or anything else.

            They were sitting on the couch, Len’s arms around Barry, when Barry shifted a little bit, until he was all but sitting in Len’s lap.

            “I like that,” Barry said softly, and Len looked over at him, Barry’s voice jolting him out of his own thoughts.

            “Like what?” he said, and Barry put his hands over Len’s arms, then tugged them a little so that Len was holding him more securely.

            “When I hold you?” Len asked.  He smiled a little, “Well, I knew that.”

            But Barry shook his head.  He tugged on Len’s arms.  “Tighter,” he said.  Len complied, but Barry just pulled at his arms again.  “More.”

            “I tighten my arms any more, Barry, and I’m going to crush you.”

            Barry made a face at him.  “You won’t crush me,” he said, and proceeded with pulling a little more forcefully at Len’s arms, until he huffed and gave in, tightening his arms around Barry until his back was right up against his chest, head to one side, leaning back against his shoulder.

            “I’m not hurting you?” Len asked, worried about his shoulder and his side.

            Barry let out a huff.  “No,” he said.  “I’m not made of glass, Len.”

            “No, but you just left Star Labs, I really don’t want to have to bring you back right now.”

            “I’m fine,” Barry said, and he let out a breath, relaxing back against Len.  He looked back at him, leaning his head back on Len’s shoulder so he could see him.  He gave Len a small smile.  “Tighter?  Please?”

            Len sighed.  He had to grasp onto his own forearms to tighten his hold anymore, but when he did he felt Barry relax further, the tension finally leaking out of his shoulders, and Barry let out a quiet sigh.  He could feel every breath Barry took against him, that small movement of his stomach and chest pushing against his arms.

            “Not hurting you?” he asked.

            “Not hurting me.”

            Len let out a breath then too, and for a moment let himself relax as well, just enjoy holding Barry there, feeling him safe in his arms, finally.  He hadn’t realized he was still holding so much tension himself until then, hadn’t realized how stressed he’d been with Barry hurt and so afraid.

            “You really like this?” he asked after a moment.

            “Mmhmm,” Barry said, and Len could see his eyes closed now, looking contented for the first time all day, for the first time really since he got hurt.

            Len hesitated.  “It’s just … I thought it might make you anxious.”

            Barry looked up at him, frowning.  “Why would it make me anxious?”

            “You know, because, I’m… well, I’m holding you,” he said.

            It clicked, and Barry looked down for a second, but then relaxed again.  “It’s different… different enough that it’s OK.”  He shut his eyes again.  “You… you feel safe.”

 

 

 

 

 

            They didn’t talk about it that day.  Len sat with Barry and when Iris got home she joined them.  Joe was at work most of the day.  When he did get back and took a seat in a chair in the living room Len said something about getting going.  And then Barry immediately turned from where he was lying down, head in his lap and sat straight up.

            “You’re leaving?” he said.  He grabbed onto Len’s arm.

            “I was going to,” Len said.  His eyes flicked up to Joe, met his gaze, and then went back to Barry.  “Your family’s home now,” he said, “they’ll stay with you, Barry.”

            “I want you to stay,” he said.

            “I don’t want to intrude,” Len said.

            “You’re not,” Barry said.  He saw the way Len looked at him and then looked up at Joe.

            Joe sighed.  “You’re welcome to stay, Leonard.”

            The name was a compromise.  Barry had yelled at him for continuing to call Len, Snart and Joe refused to just call him Len, so he called him Leonard.  Len didn’t really care what he called him, was just happy he hadn’t threatened to shoot him (beyond the first time that is – that really couldn’t be helped).

            “I need to stop by the house anyway, Barry,” Len said, “pick some stuff up, check on Lisa.”

            Barry’s frown deepened.  “Call Lisa.  I can run over and grab whatever you need.”

            “You are _not_ running,” Len said at the same time Joe said, “absolutely not.”

            Barry’s face crumpled and his eyes were getting wider, giving Len that _face_.

            “I have to go,” Len said.  His eyes flicked up to Joe again.  “And as long as it’s alright, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

            Joe got up from the chair.  “I’m ordering pizza.  What kind do you like, Leonard.”

            It was as much of an invitation as he was going to get, and Len would take it.

            “Whatever you’re already getting will be fine,” he said, and then looked back at Barry.  “I’ll be back soon,” he said.

            Barry frowned at him, but let go of his arm, allowing him to get up, shifting over to Iris almost as soon as he was gone, couldn’t stand to be alone, not even when other people were in the room.  He watched him go and Len tried not to feel guilty, knew he was leaving Barry with family who he trusted and loved him, but he could still feel those eyes on the back of his neck as he left.

            He drove fast – needed to get a change of clothes and take a shower.  Lisa had called him a half dozen times since the whole thing started.  He had told her what had happened, but only shortly.  He’d spent almost all of his time with Barry, in the same room as him, over the past couple days.

            When he got back the pizza was already getting cold but there was still plenty left.  Barry wasn’t eating much – not nearly enough.  He had already lost weight as it was and Iris was trying to get him to have another piece as he walked in.  Barry’s eyes lit up and Len slid into the seat next to him.

 

 

 

            He stayed the night again – tried his best not to piss off Detective West more than he already was (he still called him detective, not his first name – he was pretty sure West would kick him out if he called him “Joe”).  But Barry was afraid of having nightmares, and refused to go to bed if Len wasn’t there with him, so Len had made himself a nice bed on the floor from a half dozen blankets and pillows, and after Joe finished saying goodnight to Barry and closed the door, he had promptly gone onto Barry’s bed instead.

            He woke up to Barry wrapped around his arm, holding on.  He extracted himself as carefully as he could, and Barry mumbled in his sleep and curled tighter against him.  He gave up and stayed there.

            When they did get up he made breakfast.  Joe had already gone in to work so he found some pancake mix in the cabinets and made that for him and Barry.  He ate better that morning, seemed to be doing a little better, talking more, letting him have a larger radius, even letting Len go to the bathroom without Barry hovering in a chair or pretending to do something five feet away from the bathroom door.  When they settled on the couch with Netflix again Len put an arm around his back.

            “How are you feeling today?” Len asked.

            “Better,” Barry said.  He shifted against him, shivering a little.

            “Your shoulder?”

            Barry winced, rotating it a little.  “Sore,” he said, “hurts to move it.  Not bad, but just, you know.  It hurts a little.”

            Len frowned.  “How about your side?”

            “I think that’s totally healed,” Barry said, lifting up his shirt to expose a new, thick pink scar across his abdomen.  Len traced it with a finger.

            “You’ve got to stop getting yourself cut open,” Len said.

            Barry laughed.  “Yeah, I’m on board with that.”

            Len sighed and Barry dropped his shirt again.  He grabbed a blanket and pulled it up over his legs.  Len frowned.

            “You cold?” Len asked.  It was pretty warm in the room, and Barry’s mouth twisted a little.

            “Yeah,” he said, “just a little.”

            Len rubbed his leg.  “Everything OK?”  He usually only got cold like that when he was anxious or feeling really low.

            “Yeah,” Barry said, with a breath out, and moved a little closer to him.  “It’s just a little.  I’m good now.”

            “Do you want another blanket?” Len asked.

            Barry hesitated, and Len waited.  Then Barry’s eyes dropped, and he slowly nodded.

            Len stood and bent to kiss the top of his head.  “That’s fine,” Len said, “I’ll grab one.”

            He came back with a second blanket to find Barry shivering.  Len frowned, and then draped it over him.  He moved back onto the couch next to Barry, and Barry leaned into him, gravitating towards the body heat.  Len looked to see him sweating.

            Len frowned and moved back just to cup the side of Barry’s face.  “Are you feeling sick?” Len asked. 

            Barry shook his head.  “I’m fine,” he said, and ducked his head down, pressing his forehead against Len’s shoulder.  “Just a – a little c-cold.”

            “Barry,” Len said, moving back again to look him in the face.  “You’re shivering and sweating.  What’s wrong?”

            Barry shook his head, pressing it against Len again.

            “Baby,” Len said, fingers starting to card through his hair.  “Talk to me.”

            “’m cold,” Barry said, and he shivered again.

            “I know,” Len said, “are you nervous?  Is something wrong?”

            Barry shrugged.  “’m just cold.”

            “Hm,” Len said, rubbing his arms to help warm him up.  “Maybe it’s just some fall out from all the procedures.  Do you feel OK?”

            “I feel… I don’t know,” Barry said, but he sounded genuinely uncertain instead of just avoiding the question.

            “Are you anxious?”

            “A little.”

            “Yeah?  About anything in particular?”

            “No.”

            “OK.  You sure you don’t feel sick at all?  You’re sweating, baby.”

            “Maybe a little… I don’t know.”

            “OK,” Len said, frowning.  He hesitated, and then decided now was as good a time as any to break the news.  “Caitlin’s going to come over in a little bit.  We can ask her when she gets here.”

            Barry sat straight upright in a second, turning to him with alarm.  “Caitlin’s coming over?”

            “Yeah,” Len said, “she just needs to check on your shoulder.”

            “Why?” Barry said, a frown on his face already, anxious.

            Len sighed, thought about making up some little white lie understatement, but figured Barry was going to find out anyway.  “Caitlin said there are still some micro-tears in the muscles there.  She needs to see how it’s healing.”  Barry went rigid, and Len quickly added, “It doesn’t need surgery.  I already asked.  No surgery, no bad procedures – just maybe some physical therapy.  That’s all.  That’s all, Scarlet.”

            Barry let out a long breath, relaxing, a few tremors coming out.  “OK,” he said, “OK… that… that’s not too bad, right?”

            “No,” Len said, “you’ll be fine.  Nothing too painful.  And not really medical – so it shouldn’t be anxiety-provoking.”

            “It’ll hurt?” Barry asked, skeptically, searching his face to see if Len was telling the truth when he answered.

            “I’m sure a little,” Len said, admitted to him.  But Barry just nodded, grimacing a bit but not looking scared.  “But that’s normal.  It’ll probably be sore, at least uncomfortable at first.”

            “OK,” Barry said, “but just that?  No needles, or – or cutting into me, or – just like, exercises?  Stretching?”

            “Yep,” Len said, “no more procedures.  You’re all done with those, Scarlet.”

            Barry let out a long breath.  “OK,” he said, sounding more sure of himself.  “OK, that’s – I can do that.”

            “It’ll be OK,” Len said, pulling him in a little closer.  “It’s almost over.”

            Barry shivered in response.  “I’m really cold,” he said, almost mumbling.  “Why am I so cold?”

            Len frowned.  “Do you want to take a hot shower?”

            Barry shook his head.  “Don’t want to move.”

            “I could make tea,” Len said.

            But Barry leaned in against him. “No, don’t move.”

            Len laughed.  “Well then I really can’t help you much Scarlet.”

            “You’re warm,” Barry said.

            “Oh, Scarlet, you’re ruining my persona.”

            Barry looked up just to glare at him.

 

 

           

 

 

            “Ah,” Barry said, wincing, his back arching to try to relieve the pressure.

            “Stay still,” Caitlin said.

            “It hurts,” Barry ground out, glaring back at her.

            Caitlin twisted his arm just a little bit farther and Barry squeezed his eyes shut.  “Ahh – oww,”

            “It’s supposed to hurt,” Caitlin said.

            Len was gripping Barry’s good hand in his, and Barry was squeezing down fairly hard, but the tension that Len had become so used to wasn’t there.  Barry was sitting on the couch, stiffly because of the awkward position of his arm rotated behind his back, but his good arm and his legs were fairly relaxed.  He wasn’t scared, and despite his protests, both Len and Caitlin knew that he wasn’t in any severe pain right then.

            Caitlin finally let go of his arm and Barry relaxed, letting out a sigh of relief and sitting up straight again.  Caitlin then took his arm and rotated it so that it pointed across his chest.

            “You didn’t tell me it was going to be this bad,” Barry said through gritted teeth, eyes squeezed shut again.

            “You’re being overdramatic,” Caitlin said.

            “It feels like you’re ripping my arm out of its socket.”

            “I know for a fact,” Caitlin said, “that this does not feel like that.  You’ve dislocated your shoulder.  This is not as bad as that Barry, stop exaggerating.”

            “It still hurts,” he grumbled, just as Caitlin moved his arm again, positioning it so that his hand reached over his shoulder and down to his back.

            “Ahh,” he said, cringing again, and Len felt him tense suddenly.

            Caitlin paused.  She hadn’t even started pulling his arm down.

            “That one hurts,” Barry said, breathing a little harder.

            “OK, leave it like that,” Caitlin said, letting go of his arm.  She pressed down on his shoulder with her fingers, feeling the muscle, and Barry flinched.

            “Easy,” Len said, reaching up to rub his arm.  The tension lines were back – not like when he was in severe pain, not that bad, but there all the same.  He frowned.  “Do you need a break, Scarlet?”

            “I’m OK,” Barry said, still breathing a little hard, “it’s just the pain.”

            Barry suddenly squeezed his eyes shut again, letting out a groan.  His mouth contorted, and he started leaning away from Caitlin reflexively.

            “Hold still,” Caitlin said, pressing her palm flat against Barry’s chest to keep him from leaning forward, away from her.  Barry made a pained noise.

            Len frowned, and moved to rub his back instead.  “I know we were teasing you earlier, Barry, but you can have a break if the pain gets too much.”

            “No,” Barry said, shaking his head.  “It’s fine.  Wanna get it over with.”  He grit his teeth together.

            “Hm,” Caitlin said, taking his arm again.  “I’m gonna pull your arm down just a little,” she said, and was barely done with the sentence before Barry let out a pained gasp, arching back.

            “Ahh,” Barry said, and this time his face contracted, eyes searching for Len, a tinge of fear.

            “It’s OK,” Len said, “just breathe.”

            “Hurts,” Barry said, panting, closing his eyes again.  “Cait.”

            “Just a bit more,” she said, tugging his arm down and holding his chest still.  Barry let out a short cry, cringing, eyes shutting again.

            “Can you take in a deep breath?” Caitlin asked.

            Barry didn’t reply, just did as she asked, his mouth opening in a wince as he did.  Caitlin held his arm there and Barry panted shallowly.

            “Cait,” he said, squirming a little.  He opened his eyes looking over at her.

            “Just a second,” Caitlin said, “I’m going to hold it for a few more seconds.  Can you do that?”

            Barry groaned but nodded, shutting his eyes.  When Caitlin let go he let out a relieved sigh, bringing his arm down, wincing.  He let go of Len’s hand to reach over and rub his shoulder.

            Barry was still cringing.  “That one hurt,” he said.

            “Hm,” Caitlin said, “turn towards Len.”  Barry did, and then felt hands on his shoulder, probing at the muscle there.  He winced, grumbling in pain, but it was mostly just sore.  Caitlin was gentle, feeling along the ridges of his muscles until she hit a particularly sore part.

            “Ah,” Barry said, flinching forward.

            “Sorry,” Caitlin said, and then proceeded to touch more gently at the area.  Barry squirmed.

            “OK,” he said, “Cait, it – ow, Cait it’s really starti- ah.”

            “I know, I’m sorry,” she said, stopping her poking just a moment later.  She rubbed at the area gently instead.

            A tinge of fear crept up Barry’s spine, and he turned back to her.

            “It’s not – that’s not bad is it – that it hurts?  I don’t – that doesn’t mean I’ll need surgery, right?  Does it – does it mean I might have to do that again?”  His expression was quickly going from nervous to panicky.

            “No, Barry,” she said, taking his hand, “no, no – you don’t need surgery again.  I promise.  There isn’t any damage like that.  I may need to run another MRI later, and things may be a bit more uncomfortable for you than I anticipated if just this hurts that much, but I promise they’ll be no cutting into you.”

            He let out a sigh of relief.  “OK,” he said, nodding.  “That’s – that’s fine.  I – I can deal with this.  I just –”  He broke off, closed his mouth.

            “I know,” Caitlin said, “it’s OK.  I promise you won’t need surgery for this.”

            “OK,” Barry said, “but then… what’s wrong with my shoulder?”

            Caitlin frowned.  “It’s just the way the muscle’s healing, I guess.  Maybe some pinched nerve endings that are causing extra pain.”  She narrowed her eyes, thinking.  “But the muscle is a lot more knotted up than I thought it would be, and that’s probably making it worse.”  She frowned, and looked at Barry.  “I don’t want this to have to be painful for you.  It’s not going to be comfortable, and there’s nothing I can do about that, but it shouldn’t be this painful.  I think you should go in for some deep tissue massage.”

            “Deep tissue massage?” Barry asked.

            Caitlin nodded.  “It’ll help relieve the pain and hopefully work out what I can’t, so that you can do the stretching afterwards easier.  I’m going to have to find somewhere that will take you today though.  We can’t wait because of how fast you heal.  I’ll tap into some of Star Labs resources and offer to pay triple for such short notice. 

            “I’m going right now?” Barry asked.

            “As soon as I can get you booked,” Caitlin said, “I was hoping we wouldn’t need to, but you’re too tense, and with the muscle tears I’m afraid I’ll do more harm then good if I keep going, especially if you’re already in such pain.”

            “It’s not that bad,” Barry backtracked.  “I mean – I don’t like it, but I can handle it.”

            Caitlin shook her head.  “I’ll make you an appointment.  Give me a minute.”

            She disappeared into the next room, already pulling out her phone.

 

 

 

            Barry stood peering into the room, looking decidedly nervous.  Caitlin gave him a strange look.

            “It’s a massage,” she said.

            Barry looked over at her, distracted, and cringed.  “I know,” he said, still looking anxious.

            “Barry,” Caitlin said, moving a little to look at him better as they waited.  “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing,” Barry said, tapping his hand against his leg.  He bit his lip.  “It’s just… I – I have to be naked?”

            Caitlin blinked, then rolled her eyes.  “Barry it’s me and the masseuse and they do this all day long and I literally took care of you in a coma for nine months, this is not –”

            “No,” he said, “no, it’s – nevermind.  It’s not that, it’s just – I… it’s a table.  I’m lying on a table.  And – I – do I have to be naked?”

            Caitlin paused, realization settling over her.  He was naked and blindfolded on the table and he would have to lie still on one for this.

            “Oh,” she said, “oh, I’m sorry, Barry, I should have – I’m sorry, I should have realized.  It’s OK, it’s… I’ll talk to them and make sure it’s really warm in there, OK?  And I mean, this is supposed to help you relax so I don’t think it’ll be too bad.  Are you OK?”

            Barry took a deep breath.  “Yeah, it’s… are you going to… you know, be in there?”

            “I’ll need to for a little bit,” Caitlin said, “and to check in to make sure everything’s going right.  Do you want me to stay?”

            “Um,” he said, looking down.  “Maybe… at least at first?”

            “Yeah,” she said, “of course.  I can stay the whole time if you want me to.”

            Barry nodded.  “OK.”

            Caitlin gave him a smile and then a women came out, looking up at them.  “Barry?” she asked.

            “Yes,” Barry said, and she looked at Caitlin.

            “And you must be Barry’s physician?  Doctor Snow?”

            “Yes, it’s nice to meet you,” Caitlin said, shaking hands, Barry following suit.

            “My name’s Marissa, I’ll be working with you today,” she said, giving Barry a smile.  “You two can follow me in here.”  She led them into another room before gesturing over to a space that led off from it.  “Barry, you can go get undressed in there.  Lie face down on the table, and there’s a towel there to cover yourself.”

            “Ah, right, OK,” Barry said, giving Caitlin a glance.  She tried to give him an encouraging look before he disappeared into the other room. 

            While Barry got undressed, Caitlin gave a brief rundown to the masseuse.  She had already talked to her on the phone, explained Barry’s condition, but she went over it again anyway, before adding on a bit.

            “Just so you’re aware,” Caitlin said, “Barry has several unique medical conditions.  One of which is that he cannot have pretty much any type of anesthetics or pain killers.  His shoulder has just started healing, and this might be fairly painful for him.  He knows that, and he can’t take anything to dull it, but it’s important to go through with it anyway because this is obviously much more preferred then having to go through surgery without anesthetic.”

            “I understand,” Marissa said, “we have lots of sports injuries come through here – there can be a bit of pain with those – but the massage itself should not be overly painful.”

            “Ok, I just wanted to warn you,” Caitlin said.  She paused, looked down, and then looked up again, her voice dropping.  “Barry was also in a… very… traumatic, situation, a little while ago.  He might get very nervous during this.”

            Marissa frowned.  “How so?”

            “It’s… a medical thing.  Because of the no anesthetics.  He got injured.  It was a very painful experience, and now he gets very nervous when lying flat on tables, like the massage table.  He might need a few breaks.”

            “That’s fine,” Marissa said, nodding, “the massage will help relax him too.”

            “Yes, I hoped that,” Caitlin said.  “He’s a little nervous about it.  Maybe if you…”

            “I will start with a general massage, yes?  And move into the shoulder from there.  You have a three hour session?”

            Caitlin nodded.  “I don’t know if it will take that long, and he doesn’t need to stay if it doesn’t, but I wanted enough time in case he… well in case it turned out to be very difficult, or painful, and he needed breaks.”

            Marissa nodded. “That is more than enough time.  I don’t need nearly that much time to work on the shoulder.  I’ll try to get him to relax first, warm up the muscles, and then switch to his shoulder.  If it begins to pain him then I will switch and go back.”

            “OK,” Caitlin said, “great.”

            They waited for another few minutes, and Barry still didn’t say to come on.  Caitlin frowned, and after a bit went up next to the door.

            “Barry?” Caitlin called through it.  “Are you done?”

            “No,” came his muffled reply.  Caitlin paused.

            “Can I come in?”

            When he didn’t answer Caitlin took it as a yes, and carefully poked her head inside.  Barry was sitting on the table, the towel covering his lap but besides that fully undressed, breathing steadily in and out.

            “Hey,” Caitlin said, walking up to him, frowning.  She reached for his arm. “What’s going on?”

            Barry shivered, and shook his head. “I just… I – I’m fine, I just… I just…”

            “It’s OK,” Caitlin said, rubbing his arm.  Barry let out a frustrated huff.

            “I – I know this is different.  It doesn’t – it doesn’t even feel like that, it’s just.  I – I – the laying down…”

            “It’s OK,” Caitlin said.  “You’re breathing?”

            Barry nodded, still taking in very controlled breaths, but his foot was tapping wildly. 

            “It’s alright,” Caitlin said, “you think you could try lying down?”

            Barry shook his head fast, shuddered.

            “OK, OK, it’s alright,” Caitlin said quickly, “you don’t have to yet.”

            “I… I know it’s dumb,” he mumbled, “this isn’t… it isn’t medical, I just… I – I can’t get myself to do it.”  He wrung his hands together, setting his teeth, frustrated and anxious all at once.

            “It’s OK,” Caitlin said, “breathe for a couple more minutes.  I’m right here.”

            “Yeah,” he said, taking a deep breath.  “Yeah.  I – I’ll wait a couple minutes.  I’m fine, I just – just working myself up.  I’m fine.”

            “You’re fine,” Caitlin repeated, and Barry nodded, breathing in and out.  Caitlin frowned.  “Do you want me to call Len?” Caitlin asked, “do you need him here?”

            Barry shook his head, taking a deep breath. “No – I – I’m fine, I just… just a little nervous, I’m fine.”

            “Do you want to start by lying on your side?” Caitlin asked.  “And you can just look at me.  We can talk.”

            “Yeah,” Barry said, “yeah, OK.”  He took a deep breath and then lowered himself down on the table, shifting the towel to cover him as much as possible.  He blushed a little bit but Caitlin ignored it.

            “There,” she said, taking his hand instead now and rubbing circles with her thumb.  “You’re fine.  I’m right here.  This is going to be fine.  You might even enjoy it.”

            Barry huffed, but it was almost a laugh, so Caitlin took it.  They stayed like that for a few more minutes before Barry was ready to shift over so he was lying on his stomach, face resting on the opening in the board.  That at least was different, but he didn’t like not being able to see.

            “Can you stay over here?” Barry asked.

            “Yeah, of course,” Caitlin said.  She looked around the room before dragging a chair over, and then calling out to Marissa that they were ready.

            She smiled at him, told him she was going to start with a light massage, and then Barry’s head was down, and he felt hands on his shoulders.

            He tensed up a little bit at first.  But she started to move her hands, knead his skin, and he slowly relaxed.  He kept his eyes open, looking over at Caitlin at first, reminding himself that he was OK, that it was safe.  But the sensation was gentle and small and felt, as Barry was a little surprised to find, good.  It got progressively deeper, and Barry found his eyes closing, body unclenching, and the sensation started to get distinctly, and surprisingly pleasurable.  Barry knew, obviously, that massages were supposed to feel good, but Caitlin had warned him that his might be somewhat painful. 

            As Barry relaxed, Marissa switched her attention to his injured shoulder, and suddenly Barry felt a tight, hot pain, followed by an aching relief.

            “Ahh,” he let out a gasp.

            “Everything OK?” Caitlin asked.

            Barry felt another hard pressure on his back, distinctly painful, a hard, intense ache, but it was followed almost immediately by a soothing relief that seemed to run all the way down his spine.

            “Ah,” he said again, “no, it… it hurts, but it feels goo- oh.”

            Marissa laughed lightly as she kneaded another knot in his shoulder and Barry let out a sigh of relief.

            “That's normal,” she said, “tell me if it begins to grow too painful.”

            “Oh, no,” Barry said, his mind going sluggish with the feeling, “this is good.  Not – well, it is painful.  I mean, it hurts, but it’s good.”

            He heard another short laugh, and Caitlin was smiling at him, but he didn’t see.  Marissa kept working to get the knots out, and moved to his arm.  And Barry was really surprised by how good it felt.  Like scratching an itch, a painful sensation immediately rewarded with immense relief.  The hard pressure of it was intense, but so was the soothing feeling of the tension leaving his back and shoulder.

            Barry felt a hard pressure right where his arm met his shoulder, and a gasp escaped his mouth as a deep pain shot all the way down to his elbow.  It increased in intensity, and Barry found himself gasping, letting out a short cry of pain, but even as he opened his mouth the pain turned good, still intense, still somewhat uncomfortable, but somehow good, in a way that he couldn’t describe, where the pain itself was relieving.

            “Owwww,” Barry groaned, and Caitlin frowned, opened her mouth, just as he continued with, “that feels so gooood.”

            “I’m going to start a little harder,” Marissa said and Barry just hummed in response. 

            The rest of the massage was a blur for Barry, intense and draining and filled with that painful relief.  He melted into a puddle and was fairly content to stay there forever if he could.  By the time it was over Marissa had gone through all the knots on his back, done a good amount of deep tissue work on his arm and shoulder, and went and did some light work on his legs, neck, arms, and chest as well.  Caitlin had paid for three hours, and it was only about two when Marissa stopped and turned to her. 

            “I can keep going,” Marissa said, “but he will be very sore tomorrow already.”

            “OK,” Caitlin said, “that’s fine.  We’ll get going then.  Thank you so much.”

            “Ohh, but it feels good,” Barry said and Caitlin rolled her eyes.

            “Let’s go,” Caitlin said tapping his good shoulder.  Marissa said goodbye to them and left.  Caitlin waited while Barry changed and then they left as well.

 

 

 

            When they got back to the West’s house, Len was waiting.  He hadn’t gone with Barry because Lisa had called him to say that Mardon was threatening to kill Rathaway and one, they had a no killing rule, two, they definitely had a no killing teammates rule, and three, a restriction of Mardon being allowed back into the rougues after going a-wall and nearly killing Len himself as well as stealing from him was that he would behave and follow the rules.  Not to mention, they didn’t need a hail-splatted or lightening-struck Hartley Rathaway.  He was actually quite useful on the tech side and Len would like to keep him fully functional and alive, thank you very much.  By the time he got over there Shawna was screaming her head off as Mark pummeled hail, ice, rain, lightening, and everything else he could at the door to the panic room that Hartley had locked himself inside.  Lisa and Mick showed up a few minutes after he did and they managed to subdue Mardon before throwing him in the panic room until he had calmed down.  Lisa was handling the rest so Len could get back to the West’s house before Barry.  He looked up when they arrived.

            “How’d it go?” he asked.

            Barry collapsed down onto the couch and curled into a ball next to him.  Len frowned, worried already, going to rub his back and run his other hand in his hair.  He opened his mouth, but then Barry spoke.

            “It was sooo niceee.”

            Len blinked.  He looked at Caitlin.  “It was nice?” he asked.

            Barry nodded against him.  “I need to go, like, every day,” Barry said.

            Len looked to Caitlin.  “I thought it was going to be painful?”

            Caitlin shrugged.  “I thought it would be.”

            “It did, but it hurt so good,” Barry said.

            Len looked back at Caitlin but she just shrugged again before setting down her bag.  “Let’s see if we can do those stretches now,” she said.

            “Noooo,” Barry said, cuddling in towards Len.

            “Barry,” Caitlin said, “that was literally the entire reason for going.”

            “’m tired,” Barry mumbled.

            “Ahuh,” Caitlin said, sitting down next to him.  “Sit up.”

            Barry moved in more instead.  “Nooo.  In a little bit.  Sleep now.”

            “You can sleep once we finish,” Caitlin said, pulling him up as Len gently pushed him away.

            “Noooooo,” Barry groaned again, and then gave them both a very disgruntled look.

            Caitlin took his arm, and Barry grumbled and complained as she started doing the stretches, but they didn’t hurt nearly as much as they had before.  When she had him put it up, like before, so that he was reaching backwards to touch his back, the pain was almost entirely gone.  He had almost full range of mobility.

            “That’s good,” Caitlin said when they finished, “it’s healing well.  We’ll do some more stretching tomorrow, test everything.  After that I’ll need one more MRI, and then I think you’ll be all set.”

            “Great,” Barry said, already sounding sleepy again, eyes closing as he leaned against Len.

            Len was a little bit astonished.  He looked up at Caitlin.  “He needs to get massages more often.”  Caitlin just shrugged, and Len looked back down at him.  “He’s never this relaxed.”

            “Can hear you,” Barry said, muffled against him.  Len played with his hair absently, ignoring him.

            “Seriously,” Len said, “I think I’m booking him weekly appointments.”

            “Yeeesss,” Barry said.

 

 

 

 

            “Nooooo,” Barry groaned.  “I am sooo sorrreeee.”

            “Up,” Len said, crossing his arms.

            “Everything hurtttss.”

            “Up.”

            Barry complained and groaned while Len dragged him out of bed.  “Why am I up?” he said once Len got him to the kitchen.

            “Caitlin is coming over again today.”

            Barry frowned.  “Why?”

            “She wants to do some more stretching,” he said.  Len saw Barry visibly relax at that.  Len placed a bowl of cereal in front of him and filled it, along with one for himself.  He took a long breath, waited until Barry took a bite before continuing, “We’re also going to go in for an MRI once she’s done.”

            Barry froze.  He looked up, his spoon going back into the bowl.  “What?”

            “Just to make sure everything looks good,” Len said, “Caitlin said if everything is good then you’re all set – if there’s anything off it’ll mean some more physical therapy, but she thinks you’ll be fine – she just wants to check.”

            Barry frowned.  “I don’t want an MRI,” he said, “I just had an MRI.”  He gave Len a miserable face.

            “I know, Scarlet,” Len said, “but we’re going to need at least one more to make sure everything’s set.”

            Barry frowned, stabbed at his cereal dejectedly.  “I don’t wanna go back there,” he mumbled, “Not… not yet.  I don’t – I don’t wanna go back to Star, Len.  I’m not –”  He swallowed hard and looked up.

            “It’ll just be the MRI, Barry,” Len said, reaching across to take his hand.  “We don’t have to go in any of the medical rooms – we can go around, so you don’t have to walk through the cortex – just head to the MRI room.  Unless you want to stop in your room first.”

            Barry shook his head.  “Can it wait until tomorrow?”

            “I don’t think so,” Len said, “but I’ll ask Cait, OK?”

            Barry nodded, and Len let go of his hand to let him eat his cereal.

 

 

 

            Barry was quieter, more nervous that day when Caitlin came over.  She picked up on it, and the stretching was different from the day before.  Caitlin was gentler – more sympathetic when it came to him complaining about the pain.  He was anxious in a way he hadn’t been the day before, so the teasing attitude she had was absent.  She just had him do the stretches, apologized when he said it was painful, and helped him through the exercises.

            They took Len’s car to Star, and Barry got out slowly, dragged his feet the way up to Star Labs.  They walked the long way, going around the cortex so Barry didn’t even have to look into the room.  He held Len’s hand, appearing more and more nervous as they approached the MRI room.

            He begged Len to stay with him for it, to stay in the room and hold his hand while he was inside the machine, but Caitlin said no.  No one else was supposed to be in the room, so Len kissed him, told him that he’d be right in the other room watching, that he’d have the speakers so Len could talk to him while it went on.

            Barry didn’t panic.  That was the important thing.  Len didn’t know what he would have done if Barry had another panic attack.  He was upset though.  He didn’t want them to leave the room he was in, even if they were just behind the glass in the room right next to him.  He was anxious, but he got through the MRI without panicking, even if he all but jumped out of the thing when it was done, burying his face against Len’s shoulder, arms wrapped around him.

            Len took him home before the images from the MRI were even ready, before Caitlin had a chance to look at them. He took Barry back to his house, back to Joe’s and set him in front of the TV with a blanket and some brownies Iris had made the previous day and left for him.  Caitlin texted Len shortly after they arrived back.  The MRI came back good, and Barry should be all set now.

            Len closed his eyes and let the relief really wash over him for the first time.  It was done.  He went back in and told Barry and saw the same relief there as he relaxed against the couch.


	8. Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoooo last chapter

By the next day Barry had back full range of motion for his arm, and everything was completely healed.  He still stayed home, and Len stayed with him for most of the day.  Sometime in the afternoon Caitlin came over.

            Len let her in and Barry frowned when he saw her.  “I thought everything was good now?” he said.  He reached across his chest to touch his shoulder, where there was still a scar, and rubbed at it subconsciously.

            “You are,” Caitlin said, “I just wanted to come over and see how you were feeling.”

            “You didn’t tell me you were coming,” Barry said, frowning.  He started to shift, looking between Caitlin and Len.  If this was just a friendly visit she would have told him she was coming.

            Caitlin glanced over at Len, and he sighed before sitting back down next to Barry.  “We wanted to talk to you about something, Barry,” he said.  He saw Barry tense, and quickly added, “not about your injuries – those are all healed.  Totally healed, Barry.” 

            Barry relaxed again, but still kept looking between them, from Len next to him to Caitlin who had taken a seat on one of the other big chairs in the living room.

            “We wanted to talk about what you said when you were hurt,” Caitlin said, “about not fixing your shoulder.”

            Barry started to tense again.  His stomach twisted.  He had been trying not to think about the whole thing, especially about that first day there, when he had been in so much pain, when they had to do surgery.  He shuddered.

            “You said you didn’t want Caitlin to fix it,” Len said, “when it happened… you were in pain, and we did it anyway, because we thought that’s what you would have wanted if you were thinking clearly, but this…”

            Caitlin picked up where he left off.  “As your doctor,” Caitlin said, “I would advise getting yourself fixed up no matter what,” she said, “because with things like that – surgeries you don’t do, muscle tears, torn ligaments – you never know what the damage can be down the road – impaired movement, chronic pain, loss of function – and as your friend I think it’s better to get whatever needs to be done over with, but ultimately, it’s your choice.”

            “We know you get scared,” Len said, “and we know you can’t always make good decisions for yourself when you’re afraid, but we need you to really think about this, Scarlet, because it is – it should be – your decision.  So we need to know – Caitlin, your doctor, needs to know – if something like this happens again, do you want us to not fix it?”

            Barry was shocked.  He stared at them.  “Not fix it?”

            They both nodded, waiting for his reaction.  He sputtered.

            “You’re – it’s… it’s my choice?”

            Caitlin’s brow furrowed.  “Yes,” she said, “it’s always – it always should be your choice, Barry.  It’s your body.  I mean, if it’s life-threatening, then there’s not much I can do – I’m not going to watch you die on me, Barry.  But for something like this – something like your arm – it was healing.  I could have stitched it up and left it, Barry.  I didn’t, because you would have never been able to use that arm again – you might have been able to lift it halfway up, might have been able to control most of your fingers – but it would have caused damage that wasn’t going to heal on it’s own.  I also could have left it, and done the surgery later.  It would have been more extensive, with a slightly lower success probability, but I could have.”

            “We need you to think about this, Scarlett,” Len said, “about what it would mean, and what you want – I know the pain was bad – was way too much, not something you should have had to endure, but that kind of injury would have limited your ability to be the Flash.  You need to think about whether or not that’s worth it.”

            Barry was quiet, and then he ran a hand through his hair, the movement sudden, almost violent.  “I…” he said, “I don’t… I don’t know.”

            “You don’t need to decide now,” Caitlin said, but Barry was already shaking his head.  He looked up at her.

            “I… I could have done it later?  The surgery on my arm?  I could have waited a few days?”

            “Yes,” Caitlin said, “It would have been longer then – more work involved, and there was a lower chance of success.  But yes.”

            He frowned.  “Would there ever… would there ever be a situation where the chance of success… where it wouldn’t be lower, if I waited.”

            “Yes,” she said, “there could be situations like that.  Whatever it was it would probably mean a little more work, because it would already be healed, but sure, there are plenty of potential surgeries where the success rate would be the same.”

            Barry took a deep breath.  “I want a choice on that,” he said, “I want… I want you to give me the choice to – to wait, if it’s… if it’s the same success rate… even if it means a little more work.”

            “OK,” Caitlin said, “I can do that.  We can do that.”

            “Are you sure, though, Scarlett,” Len said, “When you’re… when you’re upset, you sometimes have a… a tendency to put things off.  It might make it worse – the anticipation.”

            Barry shook his head.  “I want a choice,” he said.  His lip trembled.  “If I’m… even if I’m scared – if I’m – you’ll still give me the choice, right?  Even if I’m totally out of it, even if I’m scared and in pain and not listening.”

            “Yes,” Caitlin said, “unless there are extenuating circumstances – if I don’t think you’re capable of thinking rationally and there’s some extenuating circumstance that I think would change your mind if you were thinking rationally – then I could overrule your decision.”

            “Like when?” Barry asked, frowning.

            “Like if it were going to be significantly more painful if you waited,” Caitlin said, “if you got cut open, and there was a minor surgery to fix something, and you were too far gone with pain or fear to listen to me, then I might fix it right then before stitching you up, so I wouldn’t have to just cut you open again later and put in stitches again.”

            Barry nodded. “OK,” he said.

            “But unless that were the case, yes I would still go by your decision,” she said.

            “OK,” Barry said.  “then I – I want that.”

            “Even if you’d just have to get it done later?” Len said, frowning.

            Barry nodded.  “I – I’d rather have… I was in so much pain, Len, I… it just kept coming.  It felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, I… I would have wanted to wait, even just a few days, to calm down, to – to not have it all at once, right after, it – and I – I need to have a choice.”  His voice got small.  “When it – when you just start working, when I – when I’m begging you not to and you’re not listening to me, it – it feels like I’m there, and I – I want to have a choice.”

            “We’ll give you a choice,” Caitlin said, her voice warm, “but what about the rest of it, Barry?”

            “You told me you didn’t want us to do it,” Len said, “if it happened again.  You said you’d rather take the damage.”

            Barry was quiet again.  “I…,” he looked at them, his eyes wide.  “I don’t know,” he whispered.

            “You can think about it,” Caitlin said, but once again, Barry was shaking his head, and now tears were welling up in his eyes.

            “I – I don’t… it hurt so much.”  He wiped a sleeve across his eyes.  “It – but I… I want to be the Flash.  I like being the Flash, I love being the Flash, I can’t just…” 

            “You are more than just the Flash, Barry,” Len said.

            He nodded.  “I know, but… but I love it, I…”

            “We know you do,” Len said, “and if you decide it’s worth it, then that’s what we’ll do.  Caitlin will make sure that she does everything to keep you running around.”

            Barry’s jaw tightened.  “I don’t… I don’t know, Len.  I’m… I’m glad you did it now, the surgery, but… but it hurt… it… it was so bad.  I – I just wanted you to stop, and you wouldn’t, and that – I don’t know.”

            “It’s up to you,” Caitlin said.

            Barry was silent, staring at the ground, and his jaw tightened again and he looked up, taking a deep breath.  “Yeah, I – yes, do it, just… yeah.”

            “You want me to perform any procedures that without would impair your ability to be the Flash?” she said.

            Barry closed his eyes.  “Yes,” he said.  “Yes, I… yes, I do.”

            “What about the success rate,” Caitlin asked, “if there’s a lower success rate if you wait, do you still want the option to wait?”

            He squeezed his eyes shut again.  “No,” he said, it sounded choked.

            “Barry,” Len said quietly, “take a deep breath.”  Barry did, and Len rubbed his shoulder.  He waited for Barry to look up again.  “You’re sure?” Len said.  “This means that when you’re telling us to stop we won’t – not if it has a lower success rate if we wait, and not if the surgery impairs your ability to be the Flash.”

            “I’m sure,” Barry said, and he sounded a little better when he said it this time.  Len didn’t want to make him so obviously distressed, but he needed to know Barry was agreeing to this definitively, that he understood what it meant.  Because next time he was yelling at them to stop, Len needed to know that what Barry really wanted was for them to continue.

            “OK,” Len said.

            “If you change your mind,” Caitlin said, “at any point, Barry – you need to tell me.  Not wait until the next time you get hurt, because once your hurt I’m not going to listen to negotiations on it, OK?  Unless it’s something we can wait on, like you said earlier – and then it’s your choice.  But if that’s not the case, then if you say you’ve changed your mind about things, we’re still going to go ahead with the surgery.  So if you change your mind tell me right away, not when you get hurt.”

            “OK,” he said.  Len gave his shoulder a squeeze.

            “Alright,” Len said, and Caitlin smiled and stood up. 

            “Now,” she said, “I believe since you are fully healed, this deserves a celebration.  I have two dozen cupcakes in the car and the Flash Poison 3.0”  She looked at Len.  “And champagne.”

            “And me!” There was a yell as the door opened.  They looked over where Cisco was standing, balancing a platter of cupcakes in one hand while holding a bottle of champagne.

            “And Cisco,” Caitlin said.

            “You’ve been in the car?” Barry nearly yelled.

            “Yeah, they didn’t want to crowd you when they got all serious talk going on,” Cisco said, walking into the room.  Caitlin took the platter of cupcakes before he dropped them, and then Cisco stood back up straight and grinned.  “So I stayed in the car.  So, now that the “serious talk” is done, because you’re gaming station is pitiful, I have brought a selection to choose from.”

            So Barry spent the rest of the night gaming with Cisco, making fun of Len’s absolutely pathetic Halo skills, eating cupcakes, and testing out the Flash Poison 3.0, which actually turned out to be Flash Poison 3.0, 3.1, 3.2, and 3.3.  3.0 didn’t do anything, 3.2 got him very drunk for about a half a minute, and 3.3 got him a little buzzed for a full ten minutes.  But Flash Poison 3.1 was able to get him somewhere between very buzzed and slightly drunk for a full seven minutes, and that was the winner.  Caitlin said she’d be trying for Flash Poison 4.0 soon.

            The semi-party, which was later joined by Iris, Eddie, and Joe, helped Barry forget about the conversation him, Len, and Caitlin had beforehand.  And once he had a chance to calm down about it, and really think it over, he didn’t regret what he decided, didn’t want to change anything.  He did want a choice when he could wait without it affecting his recovery, and he did really want to be the Flash, and he was willing to do what it took to keep that.  He knew if he did ever decide not to get something done, and he couldn’t be the Flash, it would grate on him.  He didn’t think he could do that, willingly give it up, no matter how much it would hurt to get it fixed.

            He enjoyed being the Flash too much.  He liked helping people.  He liked running.  He wasn’t ready to give that up, and he wasn’t ready to let the people who had kidnapped and tortured him have that too – wasn’t going to let them take that from him.

             The whole ordeal of those few days after he was injured stayed with him for several weeks after.  He was jumpy and more anxious than normal for the next week, and for about a month the memories of the surgery Caitlin had performed on his arm were added to the repertoire of nightmares that cycled through his brain when he slept.

            But he started staying at Len’s apartment more, started sleeping there often, and when he woke up from nightmares Len was right beside him, arms around him, calming him down.  Caitlin made some adjustments at Star Labs.  She pulled all the medical equipment out of the cortex, where they normally congregated, and into the side rooms where they were put away and not right there in view whenever Barry walked (or sped) in.  Cisco invited him over for video games and food when he could tell Barry needed the distraction.  Iris met with him at lunch, sometimes in the morning for coffee, to talk.  Sometimes that meant Barry describing his latest nightmare, or disclosing another horrific detail of his stay with his captors, but sometimes it just meant Iris complaining about her boss and Barry lamenting the amount of paperwork he still had to do.  They talked, and sometimes that was enough.

            Joe ignored the fact that Barry started spending a rapidly increasing amount of time at Len’s apartment.  Instead he just asked when Barry was going to be home for dinner, and if he wasn’t spending the night at home to give him a text and let him know, so he wasn’t waiting up for him.

            And Len let him sleep with him in his apartment, and didn’t always ask what was wrong, because he already knew.  He made him dinner instead, and made sure he ate, and held him while they lay in bed, or on the couch.  He started recording every nature documentary that cable television had to offer, because he discovered they for some reason they relaxed Barry like nothing else.  He gave Barry a drawer at his apartment, and then two, when that one filled up.  He didn’t spend every night there – still liked to have his space sometimes, still liked to have his own place at Joe’s, but Len helped supremely with the nightmares, and anyway, Barry liked to cuddle.

            So he recovered.  Caitlin and Cisco and Iris and Joe and Len helped, and Barry realized that even if something like this happened again, even if he had to have surgery he didn’t want in the moment, even if he had to relive the trauma over again, had to recover again, had to go through the increased slew of nightmares, the crippling anxiety, the pain and fear, that his friends and family would always be there with him to help.  And that was enough for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, once again thank you to everyone who stuck with the story the whole way through, and thank you all for reading! And thank you to everyone who commented too - I really, really appreciate the comments, and you should all let me know what you thought of this chapter and the story as a whole! Stay tuned - I should have the first couple chapters of the next part in this series, "Inhale" out soon. Like actually soon, not like i say soon then wait a month (sorry) - I've already got a bunch written, just need to go over it one more time and post it. Anyway, once again, thank you, and happy reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you would please comment and let me know what you thought (suggestions/comments/criticism, whatever) I would really appreciate it and it would totally make my day! :)


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